Where the lost ones go
by NSandBLforever
Summary: "Being married isn't what Blair expected. Being free isn't what Serena expected. Being rich isn't what Dan expected. And Nate just does what everyone expects him to do. None of them are happy.How has their lives come to this? And what will they become?" Sort of an AU story about Serena/Nate and Dan/Blair. Maybe leaning mostly to NS.
1. As it seems

**A/N: I know this is really short, but it's sort of a pilot. To see if it gets any response at all. Anyways, please read and review!**

* * *

She wanted her life to be a fairytale.

She wanted everything to be perfect.

Strives for it every day.

Tries so hard to pretend.

She thought that this was what she wanted. That this would be her happy ending.

Blair looks down at her hand. The ring on her finger shining brightly. Reminding her of all the choices that has gotten her here.

Everything she has left behind.

Everything that is gone.

After a while pretending gets very easy. When you are lying to yourself every day, the lies quickly turns into truth. Or so you believe.

She is close to that point.

To really believe that everything is okay.

That this is actually how she wanted things to be, feel like.

She sighs and pours herself a drink.

Right now, she feels restless, numb, lonely.

She loves him, she_ does_. It feels like it's not enough though.

Something is missing in her life.

_Or maybe it's someone._

* * *

She turns around and her hand hits his side. She sighs.

Great. He is still there.

She was hoping he was one of those who disappears before sunrise.

Those she doesn't have to deal with after the buzz is gone. When the light is one and everything is revealed.

She goes out of bed as silently as she can, tip toes inside the bathroom. Breathes out when she locks the door and he is still sleeping.

Serena looks in the mirror, her hair a mess and her mascara all smutted. She turns on the shower and tries to forget.

Forget last night. Forget her life. Past and present.

She has already forgotten the name of the man currently sleeping in her bed. Isn't sure she ever got it.

It's not important. Never is.

As the water hits her body she just closes her eyes and wants to be in sync with the drops.

Wants all the memories to follow the water down the drain.

Wishes it was so simple.

That something in her life could for once be that easy.

Unfortunately it isn't and as she turns off the shower, she still remembers everything.

* * *

Money isn't a problem. Not anymore.

But they aren't the opposite either. They don't solve much.

Yeah, he has a roof over his head. And yeah, he can buy whatever he wants.

But not whoever.

He can't buy people, happiness, companionship.

_Love._

Beatles had it right, you really can't buy love.

Not that he's tried. He hasn't.

He just wants something more. More for himself, more out of this life.

Money can't give you creativity either. And right now he really could need some of that.

His editor is pushing him to write another book, he demands it.

And Dan has nothing. Not a single word.

His head is empty, there are no stories left. Nothing more for him to tell the world.

He sighs as he yet again deletes a sentence. It's as long as he gets now.

_A sentence._

That's his life at the moment. One sentence at the time. Soon to be deleted.

Not good enough to keep. That's him.

There is really only one thing he can do.

Live. Have a life again.

If he's ever going to be able to write again, he has to have something worth writing about.

And he has to start living now. It's about time.

* * *

He is alone.

Only him and a bunch of papers. Everyone else has gone home hours ago.

He really doesn't want to leave.

And he couldn't even if he did.

Because these papers has to be done by tomorrow.

He rubs his forehead as he starts on the top.

Knows it will be yet a long night.

Knows what that means.

Nate sighs and starts wondering how he ended up here.

The one place he didn't want to be.

_Politics._

There was a time he detested it and everything that comes with it.

He realizes that on some level he still does. Some things will never change.

This is not the only one.

He reaches for his phone, is about to dial a number. Changes his mind and tosses it away.

It's getting familiar. Too familiar.

But he feels stuck. He has been in this one place for so long. His life has been paused, or so it feels at least.

He has done what was expected of him.

What his family wanted.

Never did someone ask him what he wanted. What he needed or desired.

Not once.

He sighs again, looks down at his hands.

Works his way through the pile on the desk before him.

The offices are completely silent, the only sound is his own breathing.

He likes it.

He can think here. For a couple of hours he can just _be_.

Just be Nate. Nothing more.


	2. Open wounds and covered scars

He gently closes the door, tries to be as quiet as possible.

The apartment bathing in total darkness.

He removes his jacket and shoes. Loosens up his tie.

Moves quietly to the living room and sits down in the sofa. Breathes out and relaxes.

Sits there, just thinking. Reflecting over his life.

How all his choice has gotten him here.

His life doesn't feel like _his_ anymore.

He sighs.

Knows he has to face her.

Sooner or later.

Knows she waits for him to come upstairs.

Hopefully she was tired of waiting, and fell asleep.

But usually that's not the case.

He sighs once more. Wonders how it became like this, he dreading to come home, to see her.

Once upon a time it wasn't the case.

He rubs his forehead and goes towards the staircase.

He stops there, tries to listen. It's total silence.

Silence mixed with darkness.

It feels like his marriage, like his life now.

So fitting.

He makes his way upstairs, slowly and gently opens the bedroom door.

She is laying in the bed, face towards the wall. All he sees is her silouette.

He breathes out, maybe she is sleeping.

He really doesn't want to fight right now.

Nate takes off the rest of his clothes, lays down next to her. Face the other way.

Closes his eyes, feels her move beside him.

"It's late." She says, voice hard.

He knows that tone.

"I had to finish some papers." He sighs.

"I'm sorry" He adds and turns to sleep on his back. Hopes the conversation is ending on that note.

Knows that it probably won't.

"You could have called." She says, her face still facing the wall.

He knows he should have, but he didn't want to fight. He was trying to avoid this.

"Yeah, I am sorry."

She doesn't respond. He closes his eyes again.

Knows that this isn't the end of it.

"So why do you keep doing it then?" She asks, her voice a little softer now, a little more vulnerable.

It's so frustrating, having the same fight every night.

They are always on repeat.

He reaches out to touch her back, changes his mind and his hand just falls to the bed.

"You don't even bother to answer me." She spits the words.

He can feel anger rise.

"My job takes a lot of work. You know that."

She huffs.

"You wanted me to take it, you pushed me in that direction!" He is yelling now.

She knows that she did. She thought that was what she wanted, what they both needed. That politics were the right way to go. That being the wife of a congressman would be the most perfect thing in the world.

It isn't, it's lonely.

She doesn't want this life anymore.

She doesn't want this fight either. She just keeps bringing it up every night he comes in late.

It's what they do now.

"Do you miss her?" She suddenly asks. The question has been on her lips for days.

He freezes. Knows exactly who she is referring too.

"Rarely." He answers.

They both know that he is lying.

She knows he misses her. He knows that she has always known.

They are dancing around it.

She just asked cause she needed to hear the answer. Needed to know if he would be honest.

He wasn't. He failed the test.

"I do." She whispers.

And a tear escapes Blair's eyes as she closes them.

Nate closes his too, drifts away. Dreams of a different life.

* * *

Dan wants adventures, excitement and danger.

He never did before. Something in him has changed.

He's got this restlessness now.

A new kind of loneliness.

He wants to live a life worth remembering. And he isn't at the moment.

He isn't really living at all.

His days contains mostly of trying to write, maybe a walk in the park, a coffee alone on a cafe. And from time to time he sees Nate. Sits and hears him complain about his life.

A life Dan envies him, a life he wouldn't complain about.

He has got a wife.

_He's got Blair._

Dan pushes the thought of her away.

It belongs in the past. Far behind him

But still too close in a way.

He wanders around his apartment.

It's mostly filled with books. A few furnitures, almost nothing on the walls. No pictures.

None of his family. None of his friends.

It's been too painful over the years.

Losing Jenny is still with him. It's still a wound, hasn't yet become a scar you can cover.

Serena is gone. In a sense, Blair is too.

And he can't have pictures of Nate all over his apartment.

What would people believe then?

What people? He thinks.

_There is no people._

* * *

He is gone now. He grunted some words and vanished out the door.

She didn't see it though, she locked herself inside the bathroom.

Hates confrontation. Hates to see the desire in their eyes, see the longing for just one more night. Doesn't want hands all over her, doesn't want questions of numbers or second meetings.

She wants it to disappear.

When the buzz is gone, so is the fun.

So is the whole point of it all.

Because the point is to forget.

To be someone else for a while.

To not be her, the biggest screw-up in history.

Serena throws herself dramatically on the bed.

Reaches for her lap top. She needs change again, to travel somewhere else.

Three minutes later she has booked a flight to Tokyo.

It feels so freeing. To be able to do anything she wants.

But at the same time it feels so incredibly lonely. Because no one stops her, no one cares.

There is no one who needs her to stay, wants her to.

And that might very well be the worst feeling in the world.

She closes her eyes and drifts away. Thinks about the people back in New York.

The ones she left behind.

It feels like forever ago.

She sighs.

She misses them, she misses the city. Everything.

But she can't go back there.

_Not now._

Maybe she never will be ready to go there again.

Fate is cruel like that.

Because minutes after booking the flight, Serena gets a call.

And it forces her to head back home.


	3. This big mess we call our lives

Blair wakes up early in the morning. Her head aching.

She looks over at her husband.

He looks so at peace. Even though she knows that he isn't.

They are not okay, they haven' been for a while.

She sits up in bed, studies the ring on her finger. Remembers his proposal, the feeling she got when he showed her the ring.

Remembers the happiness and excitement. The hopes of a bright future as Mrs. Archibald.

Things didn't quite turn out like she wanted. Not like she had planned from the age of six.

Her and Nate was supposed to be the perfect couple, a power couple. They were supposed to start a family together and live happily ever after.

She had naively believed that would actually happen.

And it had started so good, with him sweeping her off her feet after all the shit she went through.

After all Chuck put her through, when Nate and her got back together he was her knight in shining armor.

She tries her best to forget the man that came before him, the man that saved her before Nate did.

She knows it's impossible, it will always be there. She will always feel this way. No matter how hard she tries to bury it, it eats on her.

_Slowly._

And then there's Serena.

Her husbands true love. The girl she knows he will never forget.

It's all so messy.

This wasn't supposed to be her life.

She sighs and gets out of bed, covers herself with a robe.

Goes down the stairs like she has for the past twenty years. They decided to live in the Waldorf apartment after they got married. Or she decided.

She just wasn't ready to let go of her childhood home.

There's a lot of things she can't seem to let go.

She lays her hand on her stomach and makes her way to the kitchen.

Isn't in the mood for food, just takes two sips from her bottle and sits down.

She is just sitting there, staring into the air as Nate joins her.

"Hey." He says and places a kiss on her cheek.

She closes her eyes.

Happy that he shows her affection. Sad because it surprises her, it happens so rarely now.

Neither of them brings up the argument from last night.

It's typical. It's what they do now.

_Pretends. _

It's what she is best at.

Suddenly her phone rings.

It's her mom.

"Hello, mother."

Nate looks over at her, sees the changes in her face. It goes quickly from annoyed to shocked and sad.

He gets worried immediately. This can't be good news.

"Okay." She says, nods.

Nate sees a tear in her eye.

She hangs up, closes her eyes before she looks over at him.

His brows furrowed.

"Lily is dead." She whispers.

He freezes automatically. Doesn't know what to say.

They both know what this means.

Serena is coming back.

Blair waits for a response from him.

Anything.

When she doesn't get it, she just leaves him there.

Alone with his thoughts

* * *

Serena is on her way back.

Back to all the memories she has left behind. All the people, all the secrets.

She's looks out the window. Only clouds and blue sky in sight.

It looks so peaceful.

She feels tears surfacing in her eyes.

Hasn't really let herself cry since she got that call.

_Her mother is dead. _

They had their differences and she was a big part of why Serena left. But she was still her mom, she still loved her.

She wonders how it will be like. How people will react to her returning.

Blair, Dan. Nate.

She hasn't seen them in over three years.

She dreads it, feels like they are all better of without her.

She won't stay for long though, she will attend the funeral and sort out all the things that comes with a death.

Do what she comes for and get out of there.

Let everyone live their life.

Without her ruining it.

She wipes away the tears and tries to relax.

Suddenly the little boy behind her starts kicking at the back of her seat.

She turns around to ask him to stop, but freezes when she sees him. Can't get a word out because of his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair.

He looks like Nate when she first met him.

Serena starts crying again.

* * *

Nate decides to leave the office early.

But he doesn't go home.

He goes to see Dan instead.

Needs to get his mind off things, wants someone to talk to.

Talk about things he can't take up with Blair.

Things like Serena.

Dan is a great listener, he gets it. He tries to not judge, and for Dan that isn't easy.

"Hey, man." Dan says as he opens the door.

Is glad to see another human being.

The past days has only been deleted sentences and frustration.

He hasn't talked to Nate for weeks.

Nate follows him inside, goes straight for the coach.

"Have you heard?" He asks and looks up at Dan.

Dan simply nods.

"It's tragic…" He sighs.

"I've been trying to reach my dad, but I haven't been able to. I don't even know where he is now. I haven't seen him since…" He stops.

It's still too painful to talk about.

"Since Jenny." Nate says and sends his friend an understanding look.

Dan sits down next to him.

"Yeah." He sighs.

"Have you heard from…" Nate stops, clears his throat.

He doesn't have to finish the sentence, Dan knows where this is going.

"No." He answers.

"But I guess we will all get the chance soon. I assume she'll be coming home now. For a while at least."

He looks over at Nate. He looks confused, scared. He looks torn and helpless.

"You want to talk about it?" He asks.

"Serena." He adds quietly.

Nate doesn't answer, just reaches for his pocket.

"I brought these." He says and shows Dan two joints.

They both smile and Dan goes to find a lighter.

* * *

Blair tries calling her all day. No answer. Doesn't even know if she has the right number.

Hasn't talked to her for a while.

Doesn't really know what she should say if Serena picks up the phone.

She misses her a lot, but a part of her has always wanted her to stay gone for good.

If her and Nate are going to have a real chance, Serena can't be there.

She just can't.

Blair pours herself a glass of wine and starts wandering restlessly around the apartment.

She needs change. Something to occupy her. A job, a hobby. Anything.

She knows what she really wants, but hasn't dared to ask Nate yet.

Knows the timing of it sucks. And deep down she knows his answer.

She sits down at the living room, starts flipping through the latest issue of Vogue.

Pours herself yet another glass of wine.

Then the phone starts buzzing.

It's Serena.

"Hey." Blair whispers.

"Hey, B." Serena's voice is sweet, calm. Just like Blair remembers it. She doesn't seem sad or upset.

She sounds normal.

"I'm so sorry. Your mother…"

"Don't." Serena interupts her.

"I really don't want to talk about it."

It's followed by an awkward silence.

Neither knows what to say next.

"I'm in New York" Serena finally manages to say.

Blair knew she would come back, but hearing her say it out loud just makes it all more real.

Things are going to change now. So much she knows.

"I'm in a taxi now, I'm going to stay at Mom's old apartment."

Blair is relieved. If she had said she was staying at a hotel, she would have felt obligated to offer her a room at their apartment.

Now she doesn't have to. Luckily.

"We have to meet." Blair says and starts playing with her hair.

She's nervous. Doesn't know what to expect from Serena now. Doesn't really feel like she knows her anymore.

But she misses her. She really does.

"Before the funeral I mean." She says.

The silence is back.

You can feel the tension between them.

"I'd like that." Serena says and coughs.

"I have to go. Thanks for calling, B."

They both say goodbye before Serena hangs up.

Blair sighs.

Everything is changing now.

And maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.

* * *

"Oh, I love Lion king. It's my favorite Disney movie. " Dan says, a big smile on his face.

Nate nods and laughs.

"It's awesome."

Dan reaches for his computer, searches in his iTunes list.

"Here it is." He says and stands up.

Nate jumps up and starts dancing around, no rhythm in his body at all.

"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It's our problem-free philosophy." He sings, or more screams.

As Dan jumps around like a monkey. This is living. Finally he feels alive.

Even if it is because he is high.

"Those two words will solve all your problems." He sings and looks over at Nate.

He is dancing some sort of crazy jungle dance.

And Dan starts laughing uncontrollably.

He sits down on the floor again as the song comes to an end. Nate joins him, out of breath but smiling.

"That was fun!" He says, reaches for his bottle of beer.

They are sitting with their back against the sofa. One beer in each hand.

"Is it bad that we should take advice from a warthog and a lemur? That they have a better life philosophy than us? " Nate asks, all serious now.

Dan lets out a laugh. He's got a point though.

"Yeah, man. It's at least not good."

Nate sighs.

"You know, I think I've just seen that movie two times or so. Blair always made me and Serena watch Sleeping Beauty with her." he smiles at the memory. Misses those times, when everything was so easy.

He was trapped back then too though. Between the two best friends. He should've just walked away.

"I would've thought she was more of a Cinderella fan.." Dan takes a sip of the beer. Sees Blair in his head. Wants to reach out and touch her.

"No. She didn't think the poor should get any ideas." He laughs.

"The poor should be servants, and the rich should be princesses."

Dan does not laugh. Blair still thinks that. In some ways at least.

Nate doesn't notice Dan's change in mood. He is thinking about Serena.

"I miss Serena." He suddenly says and Dan looks at him.

"I know." He says. He does too, just in another way than his friend.

"Do you love her?" He asks quietly.

Nate closes his eyes.

"I don't know…It's all so complicated."

"I think you do"

Nate thinks that too.

But how can you love someone you haven't seen in three years? How can you love someone who just up and left?

And how can you love someone who's your wife's best friend?

Why can't he be normal? He wants everything to be like they should. He should only love his wife. He should only think about her and only miss her.

"I love Blair, I really do." He suddenly says. Dan closes his eyes.

"But we are stuck in this pattern, in this sort of limbo. We don't communicate, we don't connect. Things aren't like they were, they aren't right. "

Dan doesn't really know what to say. He isn't really an objective observer.

"Don't you think.." He starts.

"That when you are sitting wondering if you love a woman that is not your wife… Don't you think that's a sign of some sort?" He asks, doesn't look over at Nate.

Nate just sighs. Knows Dan has a good point.

It's not supposed to be like this. Feel like this.

They don't say anything more for a while, just drinks beer. reflecting over their own lives, choices.

Everything.

"I fucked your wife." Dan suddenly blurts out.

The beer in Nate's mouth is quickly not there anymore. It's all in Dan's face.

"You what?!" He yells.

"It was before you two got together." He quickly adds, prepares for a punch in the face.

It doesn't come.

Nate is in shock, just stares into the air.

"I just needed to get it of my chest."

No respond.

"Nate? Are you okay?"

He looks to the ground.

"Were you in love with her?" He asks.

"No, no, no. Just…No." Dan lies, tries to smile.

Nate knows that face too well, the stuttering words.

He has used it.

It's all very familiar. Denial.

They both sigh.

This is all a big mess


	4. This is madness

**A/N: I want to thank everyone who reviews, a special thank you to all the guests who I can't thank personally. It means a lot that people take the time to tell me what they think, good or bad :)**

* * *

It's so strange to see her again. It's been over three years.

Right now it feels like a lifetime.

When Serena is standing in the hallway Blair realizes just how much she has missed her, and how much she has actually needed to have her in her life.

To talk to her when life gets though, just have her there.

She goes over to her without a word, just throws her arms around her.

"I've missed you."

Serena hugs her back. Holds back the tears.

"I've missed you too."

She really has. It has been hard to be away from her for so long. But it's been necessary.

"So.." She starts as Blair lets go of her.

"How's life?" She smiles.

Blair smiles too.

"Good." She says, Serena doesn't notice her lips tightening.

She just assumes that Blair is telling her the truth.

She can't imagine that life with Nate can be not good.

"But how are you holding up, sweetie?" Blair asks and squeezes her arm.

"I'm fine." She says, isn't lying.

"Really." She adds when she sees the look on Blair's face.

They stand in silence, are just testing the waters now. Doesn't quit know how to act around each other now.

"So, where is Nate?" Serena asks, a little nervous.

Blair looks to the ground.

"He is still sleeping. He came home kind of late last night."

Nothing new there.

Serena is relieved, wasn't quite ready to see him now.

She looks over at her best friend. Studies her closely. She looks kind of tired, like she has lost some of that spunk Serena always loved.

It gets her to wonder if everything really is okay. If her life actually is good.

She doesn't dare to ask though, wants to tread lightly. Doesn't want to insult her in any way.

"It was nice to see you, B" She says and hugs her again.

"But I think I have to go now, I just wanted to say hey. I still have a few things to sort out before mom's funeral."

It feels strange to be saying that. It feels too adult, too much like something she shouldn't say when she's still so young.

She realizes that Blair is almost the only family she has left now. Besides Eric, there is no one else.

"I'll see you there?" She asks and Blair just nods.

Serena thinks she can see a tear in her eye.

Doesn't want either of them to start crying.

She smiles at her and makes her way to the elevator.

Blair gives her a little wave as the doors closes.

* * *

Nate and Blair drives to the church in silence.

He wants to ask her about Dan, but he doesn't.

She wants him to ask her about Serena, he doesn't.

Blair needs to know what he's thinking, what he feels now that she is back.

But doesn't dare to ask any questions herself.

Mostly because she fears the answers. Or the not so subtle lies he pulls out.

She looks over at him. It pains her to watch at him. Knows that all of this can't be easy on him either.

And even though they have their problems, and things that they try to bury in the past, he is still one of the best men she knows.

One of the kindest, bravest, greatest.

He is still the man she married. They are just not the same couple.

And she needs them to go back there, one way or another. Right now it feels like her life depends on it.

She reaches out to touch him. Gently puts her hand in his.

He strokes it.

Still no words are being said.

He is dying to ask her about Dan. If she loved him, what actually happened back then.

He can't believe that he didn't know that his wife and his best friend was once a thing. Or whatever you should call it.

It all feels so strange. How all of their lives have been intertwined.

And then a thought hits him.

Remembers someone else who used to be a big part of their world.

"You don't think Chuck will be there, do you?" He asks, voice low.

Blair freezes when Nate mentions his name. Automatically lets go of his hand.

"i'm sorry." Nate says.

"I didn't want to upset you." He looks worried.

"It's okay." She whispers, feels tears pressing.

Fights them back, doesn't want to cry more over Chuck. Has spent too much time doing that already.

"I don't think he'll dare to show his face there. At least I hope he won't." She looks down at her hands, they are shaking.

Nate sees it too. Is about to say something, but the car stops.

They are there.

He helps her out of the car and they go together to the church.

Blair spots her mom as Nate sees someone standing down by the lake.

All alone.

_Serena. _

He lets Blair go inside with her mother and tells her he needs some air first.

Standing at the stairs to the church she gives him a worried look as she sees him walk away.

* * *

Serena isn't ready.

Doesn't want to speak to all the people up with the church. Can't bare to see more worried and sad faces, hear more condolences, feel more pain.

She stands down by the water, hands in her pockets, eyes closed.

Enjoys the silence.

Knows it won't last long, knows she has to face it all at some point.

After a while she turns around and looks up at the hill.

Her whole body freezes for a moment.

Nate is standing there, looking at her.

He hasn't changed at all.

She gets the urge to cry. Doesn't though.

For a while they just stare at each other. Neither of them moves a muscle.

Then she gives him a little wave. And they start walking towards each other.

She stops when she is quite close, don't go too near him.

He does.

Lays his arms around her when he has reached her. Doesn't say a word, just holds her close.

And then she can't fight it anymore. All the tears escape against his shoulder.

It feels awful. It feels good. Both right and wrong.

"It's okay." He whispers.

"You'll get through this." He strokes her hair. Breathes in her smell, it hasn't changed. He would have recognized it any day, anywhere.

"It's good to see you." She whispers and lets go of him.

He gives her a little smile, offers her an arm.

"Let's go." He says.

She hesitates at first, but then she takes it.

"We will be there for you, Serena. Me and Blair. And Dan."

She nods, know that they will. They been there for her so many times. Even when she didn't deserve it.

They walk together, arm in arm.

It's strange to have him so close again.

It feels like nothing has changed. But she knows that everything has.

She closes her eyes.

She shouldn't feel this way. She shouldn't feel anything.

Her stomach shouldn't have jumped when she saw him. Her heart shouldn't have beaten faster when he held her.

The guilt starts swelling inside of her.

He feels the same way. The guilty feeling is starting to consume him now.

How did they end up like this?

* * *

"It was a classy, elegant funeral. Worthy of Lily." Blair says as they're back at their apartment.

Nate nods, help her take off the coat.

"Did you talk to Serena?" She asks casually, saw them come inside the church together.

"Yeah. I saw her outside the church. She seemed a little lost." He looks down.

Feels guilty all of a sudden, feels like the worst person in the world.

"i wanted to talk to her after, but she disappeared so fast." Blair sits down in the sofa.

Studies her husband.

There is something she wants to talk to him about, something that has been on her mind for days, weeks really.

He sits down next to her, gives her a small smile.

She feels that this is it. She has to say it now or never.

"I want a baby."

There. She said it. The cat is out of the bag.

He looks shocked. Stands up and just stares at her. Like she is sick or something.

This was what she feared. This reaction.

"Are you crazy?" He yells.

"No." She simply says.

"It's what I want, I've been thinking about it for a while."

He just continues to stare at her, doesn't even know what to say to her right now.

"We've tried before." She is not ready to give up on this.

He huffs.

"And when it didn't happen, we later decided that it was best to wait. With my hectic job and all."

She closes her eyes. It has always felt like that was a punishment. She didn't get a baby because of her actions in the past.

"But now I want to try again."

He just shakes his head in misbelief.

"So Serena comes home and you suddenly want a baby?"

She shakes her head at him. It's not like that.

"I've wanted this for a long, long time."

He starts wandering around.

"So you think it's a good idea to bring an innocent little child into this marriage?" He sighs.

"We are not happy, Blair. We are not okay."

She knows that. Hopes that this will help them.

"You owe me to give this a chance, us."

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"We can't be fixed with a baby. This is crazy…"

He goes to the kitchen, she follows him.

"What if we can?" She asks.

He is standing by the counter, rests his arms there.

He looks up at her. Studies the look on her face.

Something dawning in his mind.

"You are not on the pill anymore, are you?" He asks.

She doesn't answer.

"Are you?!" He is yelling now.

"It doesn't matter anyway!" She yells back.

"We don't have sex anymore! You haven't touched me for weeks!"

The anger fills her up. He looks equally upset.

"So the plan was to trick me, trap me into sleeping with you and just pray that you got pregnant."

She looks at the ground, her hands shaking.

"I can't believe this." He shakes his head.

She desperately wants to cry.

Then he leaves her there and she goes straight for the wine.

* * *

Serena sits on her bed, staring into the air. Her eyes swollen and red.

This is it. She thinks.

This is goodbye again.

She sighs. Nobody cares anymore.

She continues packing as the door opens.

"I let myself in."

It's Blair. She looks sad. She looks like she's been crying too.

"Are you leaving again?" She asks, her voice low.

Serena nods.

"Tomorrow. Tokyo."

Blair takes a deep breath. Has made up her mind. Knows she wants her to stay.

"Please don't. Stay…Please" She pleads with her eyes.

Serena sighs.

"I just can't stay when…" She stops.

"When Nate married me." Blair finishes for her.

"It's not just…" She sighs, decides to tell the truth.

"I'm sorry. I wish I didn't feel this way. I feel so ashamed, I am so selfish. I should only be happy for you, you're my best friend!"

She sits down at the bed, wipes away a tear.

Blair looks over at her, sees how vulnerable she is in this moment. How she was honest even though it was difficult, even though she didn't have to.

"But you came back for our wedding." She states and Serena closes her eyes.

"Honestly, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To sit there and watch you marry him…" She stops, feels like this is going in a direction that is way too honest.

"So why did you come?"Blair asks, sits down next to her.

"Because you are my best friend, and I will always support you. I love you." She tries to smile, it doesn't reach her eyes.

But you love him too. Blair almost says it out loud. Manages to hold it inside.

She studies Serena. Wants to return the honesty she has shown her.

"We're not happy." She suddenly says.

"Me and Nate." She adds, his name only a whisper.

Serena looks up at her, eyes blank and surprised.

She thought they were.

"We've only been married for three years and it's already falling apart." Her voice cracks and Serena reaches for her hand. Squeezes it tightly.

Blair rests her head at her shoulder and lets the tears out.

"I need you to not go. I need you to be here for me." She whispers vulnerably.

Serena doesn't say anything, just strokes her hair and lets her cry.

She is not sure if she can stay here.

Too much has happened.

But she is not sure she can leave Blair either. Not when she is like this.

She can see it more clearly now, how tired she looks. How skinny. She fears she has had a relapse.

She sighs.

She has a decision to make.


	5. I'm wide awake

The night goes by without her sleeping at all.

She keeps tossing and turning.

Only thinking about her choice.

It's stupid really. Because she knows what she is going to do.

_She has to stay._

Leaving now after seeing Blair like that might very well have ranked at number one on her selfish list.

She sighs.

After no sleep at all she goes to take a shower.

As the water hits her body she starts crying. She doesn't know quit why, it just suddenly flushes over her.

She covers herself with a robe and tries to wipe away the tears.

She needs food, she needs sleep. She will fall apart if she doesn't start taking care of herself.

"What are you doing here?"

Nate is sitting in her living room, by the looks of it he has slept as little as she has.

"I'm sorry." He says and sighs.

"I needed someone to talk to."

He looks at her. All she wears is a red, silky robe.

Then he looks down again, can't look straight at her.

She notices his reaction, blushes mildly and feels bad all of a sudden.

"I'll just go change." She manages to stutter and leaves him there.

He just sits still and waits for her. His mind spinning all over the place.

He slept on the coach last night, or he didn't sleep at all.

The fight between him and Blair was one of the worst until now. She tricked him, he 's not sure he can get over that.

Serena comes back out in a pair of jeans and a plain grey sweater.

She could've worn a potato-sack and would still look beautiful.

He shakes the thought of her away.

"So.." She starts and sits down, far away from him.

"What is it?" She tries to keep her tone casual. It's difficult. It's difficult to even look at him.

He crosses his arms, sighs deeply.

"I don't know what to do." His voice cracks, he tries to cough it away.

But she's on to him. He looks so lost, so unhappy.

It pains her to see him like this. It reminds her of Blair.

They have that same look. And she knows she's not the one who will make it go away. She knows she is not the one they should talk to, she is no good.

Never has been. She is pure toxic.

"Me and Blair fight all the time, but last night was different. I think it was the straw…" He sighs.

She leans forward, a little closer to him.

"But don't you think fighting is good on some level? It means you both still care."

He sets his eyes in her, doesn't know how to respond to that. Especially since it comes from her.

"I personally think that hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is."

She is even closer to him now. They both barely notice, it's always been this kind of gravitation between them.

They've fought it, they've given into it.

Now they both sit there and don't know which alternative to choose now.

They choose neither, just sits still. Space between them, but not totally seperated.

"I don't hate her." He whispers.

"But she said she wanted a baby."

Serena blinks. This turn in events surprises her.

"We can't have a baby when we are like this. When we're far from happy, things aren't right. Don't you agree?"

She slowly nods.

The timing off it seems horrible.

"And she quit the pill without talking to me. I feel so tricked, so used in a way. It's stupid, but…"

He stops. Doesn't know how to explain the tornado off feelings inside of him.

"I don't know if I can trust her anymore." He lays his head in his hands, takes deep breaths.

This is hard to talk about.

"I understand." Serena says and looks at him. He looks totally broken.

"Blair was here yesterday. She seemed devastated too. She is not the girl I remember, she has lost some of that fire.. I.."

Suddenly she gets the urge to take his hand. And she does. He freezes when she touches him, but lets her.

"I think you two can work it out. You just need to communicate better…"

"I don't know." He interrupts her.

She lets go off his hand, it feels wrong to be near him. She crosses her arms and sits back in the coach.

Distances herself from him yet again.

"Does she eat?" She suddenly asks him, voice a little harder.

"Yes." He states firmly.

"Is she bulimic again? She looks so tired and skinny."

"No." He just says, doesn't look at her now.

"I would know if my wife was bulimic." He says.

"Would you?"

He stands up then, sends her an angry look and starts walking around.

"I can't believe that you would think I wouldn't know! I've been here for her…" _You ran away._

He almost says it, Serena knows it was on the tip of his tongue.

She can't blame him.

"I'm sorry, Nate. I shouldn't have said that."

He sits back down, tries to relax.

"She isn't bulimic. I've been looking carefully for signs."

"I believe you." She sighs.

"But she's not okay. Neither of you are. And you need to talk to each other, not to me."

He sits in silence.

It's not just the fights and the disconnection from Blair. It's Serena too.

He wishes he didn't feel like this. But a part of him always has.

"I love Blair. I do." He starts. Feels it's time to be honest with himself. And he has to say this out loud.

"But I think I've always loved you too." He doesn't dare to look at her, just stares at his own hands.

"Don't…" She whispers, feels like crying.

None words are exchanged for a while.

She decides she has to tell him something, even if it's not the whole truth.

"I said once that I would always love both you and Dan. That a part of me would always hold on to the one I wasn't with. But one day I woke up and I didn't feel that anymore."

He looks so hurt in that moment, it breaks her heart a little.

She doesn't give him the whole story. Hides the fact that she woke up that day and didn't feel that way about Dan. She came to a point where she realized that it was only him. It had always been just Nate. She had just been scared and tried to trick herself into believing otherwise.

She needs him to move on now, even though she knows she might never be able to herself.

"Blair is your wife and she loves you."

This seems so familiar, they've been here before.

Serena looks down, avoids eye contact with him.

"Is this the part where you tell me you didn't come back for me." He smiles at her. Even though the memory is far from a happy one.

She has to smile too.

Maybe this is a step in the right direction.

"Go home and talk to your wife."

He doesn't know what to say or to do. He is not smiling anymore. It was just a flash of feeling.

It stings to hear her say that she hasn't got feelings for him anymore.

And he feels so guilty for having them for her.

* * *

She chugs down yet a glass of wine, two sips and it's gone. She feels dizzy.

When she wanders out in the living room, she thinks she's hallucinating.

Because Dan is standing right before her.

And he can't be here. Can he?

She stumbles across the floor.

He catches her.

"Are you drunk?" He asks as he tries to hold her up.

She reaches out and grabs his cheek.

"Are you really here?" She asks and he furrows his brows at her.

She is absolutely smashed.

"Why are you here?" She wines.

"I was supposed to meet Nate here. We are going out for lunch."

He says as he manages to halfway carry her to the coach.

"So he is leaving me for you? Well, that's just great."

Dan looks at her.

"He isn't leaving you." He says in all seriousness.

Her eyes get blank and all he wants to do is to hold her.

She looks so fragile.

"I think he will…" She whispers.

"And maybe it's for the best." She adds and looks up at him.

He sighs. Doesn't know what to tell her.

"Has he said something to you? About us I mean?" She asks and he just shakes his head at her.

He doesn't want to get involved, wants them to figure it all out by themselves.

But this worries him, she being totally wasted before noon. It can't be a good thing.

"I want more wine." She says and stands up from where she's been sitting.

"Oh no, no no no. You've had enough." He grabs a hold of her arm.

She send him an icy look. A look he knows too well.

"Let go of me!"

He doesn't. He holds on tighter. After a few seconds he feels her starting to relax.

She puts her head on his shoulder and he hesitates at first, but eventually he puts his arms around her.

Holds her close, lets her cry.

"It's going to be okay." He whispers.

Even though he knows he can't promise her that. He doesn't know where this is all going, where they are all heading. Because at the moment, nothing seems okay and the road there seems long and hard.

"I'll take you upstairs, you need some sleep" He tells her and she just nods.

He halfway carries her up the stairway. Can't help but to smile because he gets to have her this close again.

Curses inside when he does.

He gets her in bed and tucks her in like she was a child. When he gets up to leave, she grabs hold of his hand.

"Please stay." She whispers.

He looks at her with misbelief. Feels his heart skip a beat as he sees the look on her face.

It's so familiar. They've been her before. Exactly at this spot.

He sits down next to her. On Nate's side of the bed. It makes the guilt come.

He swallows nervously and takes her hand.

She closes her eyes and moves closer to him.

"This reminds me of that night. All the nights." She whispers.

"When I cried myself to sleep and you hold me the entire night." She takes a deep breath.

Thinking about that night and all the others, brings back memories she wishes she could just forget. Knows that she never will.

The nightmares that haunted her back then is still coming back from time to time.

For a while Dan was the only one who could chase them away, having him close made her feel safer. It made her able to sleep.

And then it was Nate. Then Nate saved her.

"The first night, I never even closed my eyes." Dan says, voice low and shaking. Hasn't told her that before.

She opens her eyes and looks up at him.

"I'm sorry for all the things I said to you, did to you."

He sighs, it's probably just the wine that's talking, but she looks so sincere. He rarely sees her like this. So honest and vulnerable. It's kind of beautiful.

"It's okay. Everything is okay." He whispers and starts making soothing circles in the palm of her hand.

She puts her head on his shoulder and eventually she manages to fall asleep.

A tear leaves his eye when he leaves her there in the darkness.

* * *

When Dan comes back down, Nate is standing in the living room.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot our lunch plans." He says as he sees Dan in the stairs.

"It's okay. You have a lot on your mind." He looks down, sighs.

"I think you should talk to your wife."

Nate closes his eyes at the same thing Serena told him before. He gets it.

"She was wasted when I got her, I took her to bed. She needs to sleep it off."

Nate sighs. This is all going south fast.

His marriage, his life. Him. Blair.

Nothing is right at the moment.


	6. Four hours can change a lifetime

He sits with her in the darkness. Just sits completely still, simply listening to her steady breaths.

The clock is only two in the day, and here she is sleeping.

Because of him, them. All of it.

He looks over at her, conflicting feelings filling up his mind.

He is mad at her for what she did, he is mad at himself for letting it go this far. And he wants this to be over, but at the same time he doesn't want to leave her.

They've been through so much. She has been through hell. And he knows this might break her. But he can't trick himself into being happy, he can't keep pretending that everything is okay when it's clearly not.

It's not fair to her or to himself.

He sighs and rubs his forehead.

This has to come to an end.

Nate sits there until she starts moving. Her eyes slowly opening. She jumps a little back when she sees him there. He is usually not home at this hour.

She sits up in the bed, avoids eye contact with him. Feels ashamed. Feels angry. Feels completely lost, like a stranger in her own body.

"I just needed a little power nap." She says and flashes a smile, completely fake. Completely transparent.

It only makes Nate angrier, everyone believes he is clueless. That he is so dumb he can't understand anything of what's going on around him.

"You were wasted." He says and looks at her.

She blinks, for a moment he sees vulnerability in her hazel eyes, it flashes away. And she is all cold again.

He can' take this anymore.

Lies. Pretends. Fakeness.

"Don't bother to lie about it. Dan was here, he carried you to bed."

She huffs.

"That's ridiculous. You know I wouldn't let him anywhere near my bed."

It's his turn to huff now.

"So I take it that back when you fucked him, it wasn't in your bed?

His words leave her paralyzed. It catches her off guard like nothing has done before. Those words was not what she expected at all. She just sits there curled up in bed, loss of words.

She sends him a confused look.

"Dan told me."

Blair closes here eyes, wonders just how much he told him. If the sex part was the only thing. Prays that it was.

"So, you slept with my best friend and you didn't even bother telling me?" He asks, voice emotionless now.

"At least I didn't fuck him on a bar while I was your date." She spits the words, the scars from when she was 17 still very much visible.

He knows he deserved that. But she does this every time. When he brings up something she has been hiding, something she has done that is wrong, she just throws that out. The fact that he cheated on her with Serena. He can't ever escape that.

She has been in the wrong multiple times, but thinks she can just throw the cheating card on the table and get away with it.

He is tired of playing that old game.

"It's not about that now." He says.

She crosses her arms, her mind boiling.

"You hid yet another thing from me. And I'm getting sick of it." He stands up now, hands at the side.

"Tell the truth, Nate. It's me you are getting sick of."

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. He doesn't even bother to answer that.

"So you have to turn everything over at me? Can't we talk about your flaws for more than one minute?" He stops.

"Why do you need everything to be so fucking perfect all the time?!" He is yelling now.

She gets up, grabs her robe and starts walking towards the door.

"Reality check, Blair. Nothing is perfect!"

She stops, turns around.

"I know that!" She yells.

"I know that everything is falling apart, I know you are leaving me. That you don't love me anymore, that you love Serena."

He steps towards her, feels bad for yelling.

She looks down

"I do still love you." He sighs.

"But this isn't working. You and me. It's not working." He throws his arms helplessly down the side.

The air is starting to leave him. He is on the edge of a cliff now. Only minutes from falling over.

She blinks at him. A tear streaming down one of her cheeks.

She knows he's right. She knows that this is inevitable. They can't pretend forever, even though a big part of her wants to.

It's not possible to go a lifetime like this. It's just not possible.

She knew that, coming into this, that it might end like this.

They've been through good and bad together. But one of the biggest problems is everything that has happened with other people.

Serena, Chuck, Dan.

Everything that has formed them, brought them here. All the secrets and feelings they have suppressed. It's all starting to come to the surface now. They are going to drown in it all. She knows that much.

She just wished so badly that they were going to be able to hold their heads above water.

This shows that they can't. They are all out of breath.

She looks at him, moves closer to him.

"I know that too." She whispers.

His mind is bursting, it feels like he is exploding. He has to get it all out.

"We've been through so much together. And I've loved you for so long, probably from I was around six. And I will always love you, Blair. But at one point in this marriage I think I fell out of love with you. I just don't think I'm in love with you anymore… "

He has been holding it in for so long, now it just had to come out.

It hurts him to say it out loud, it pains her to hear it.

Even though she suspected it, even though she thinks she might not be in love with him either.

It still hurts.

"You were my first love." She whispers, her lips shaking.

He closes his eyes, doesn't know what to say now.

She closes hers too, decides to fight the tears and put on a mask again.

He sees the changes in her face.

"Okay." She starts.

"Then you should probably leave now." She says, voice cold.

"We can deal with all the paper stuff later."

He sighs and puts his hands on her shoulders.

"Don't do this." He says intently.

"Don't put up those walls again. Please, don't shut me out." He kisses her forehead, it comes out of nowhere. He just wants to show her affection. Tear down those walls.

"I'm fine, Nate. This is all for the best."

He sighs again. She is unbelievable. The most stubborn person he knows.

"Can we please stop pretending now?" He raises his voice again, she pulls away from him.

"Just leave." She says, voice hard. Her whole body trembling.

He knows this is a battle he has already lost.

He goes to the door, stops and looks at her.

"For what it's worth, I didn't want it to end like this."

When he is gone she goes to the staircase and hears the elevator closing.

The mask falls off the minute she knows he is not there anymore.

All the tears she was fighting of comes immediately.

What is she supposed to do now?

Everything she wanted, hoped for, vanished as he left her.

The baby, the happiness, the perfect ending.

Everything is gone now.

And all that is left, is her and all her thoughts. They are like toxic and she can't cope.

She decides she doesn't have to.

She knows she can make them disappear. At least for a while.

* * *

He just wanders the street, no goal in sight.

Questions and thoughts swirling inside.

Did he just end his marriage?

Did he just walk out on her?

To his dismay the answer to both is yes.

It wasn't supposed to happen like that. This wasn't supposed to happen at all.

He married her, he promised her a lifetime. He couldn't keep it. He just couldn't.

In the long run, he thinks this is what's best for them both. This is what they needed.

This will be what eventually saves them.

But what happens next?

Where do you go from here?

Where does _he_ go?

He stops at a corner, catches his breath fully.

He feels so lost, doesn't know who he really is, what he wants.

Suddenly he feels all claustrophobic, even if he's out in the air.

He can't go back now, he realizes.

And it scares him

* * *

Dan keeps seeing her face.

Those brown eyes full of vulnerability and what seemed like regret.

He might have imagined it, but it seemed so real.

They were _real_ once. Even though he knows she tries to pretend that they weren't.

But it can't be denied, and he knows that deep down she acknowledges that. She has to.

Because for a while they were undeniable.

It's so long ago, and so much has happened since, but he never seems to be able to let go.

He let go off Vanessa, eventually he let go of Serena. He has even let go off his own dad.

But Blair. Blair is different.

No matter how hard he tries, he can't shake her.

He sighs.

His phone starts buzzing and he grabs it.

_Blair._

The world is fucking with his head.

"Hey." He says calmly.

"I need to talk to you."

She sounds upset, it sounds like she's crying.

"I'll come over."

He starts searching his apartment for his jacket and his car keys.

"No. I'm on my way to you."

He barely understands what she's saying.

"Are you drunk?" He asks concerned. She doesn't sound normal at all.

Something is extremely wrong.

"No. I am driving a car, aren't I?"

His heart skips a beat. She doesn't sound okay, she shouldn't be driving now.

"Pull over, Blair!"

"No!" She yells.

"I'm coming to you." She says, voice softer, like that explains everything.

His mind is all over the place.

Doesn't want her to talk on the phone while she's driving, but doesn't want to hang op on her either. Wants to make sure that she's okay.

"Be careful." He pleads.

"I always am."

"Where are you exactly?" He asks, his heart racing now.

He doesn't hear her answer. It's all blurry. Her voice, the phone.

And then she hangs up on him.

* * *

"Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

After hours of wandering around the city, he ended up at Serena's apartment.

_of course he did. _

Nothing has changed.

"I needed someone to talk to." _I needed you_.

She sighs, this is the morning all over. They are on repeat.

"I…" He starts, feels his body shaking. His eyes starting to look blank.

She looks at him, worried and a little scared.

Wants to run the other way.

But she doesn't.

"Me and Blair…" He gets interrupted by the phone ringing.

He takes it, a little annoyed, listens intently to what the person on the other end says.

Serena watches as his face turns ghostly white.


	7. Wait for the morning

**So sorry for the super late update, I've had an home exam and my life has generally been a big chaos. Anyways, please read and review :)**

* * *

"It's going to be okay." She says while running after him.

He is pacing around the hallways, pale and desperate.

She has a hard time keeping up.

"Nate! She will be okay."

He is stopping now.

"You don't know that."

He rubs his forehead, closes his eyes. She is standing next to him now, reaches out and takes his arm.

"Nate, the doctor said she would be okay. A couple of bruises and a mild will be fine, she was lucky all things considered."

He sighs, looks at her.

"Lucky?" He asks, his voice low and hard.

"You think she is lucky?" He pulls away from her hold and starts walking again. Fast and determined.

Serena hesitates at first, but soon decides to follow him. When she catches up she blocks his way by stopping right in front of him, hands out.

"You know what I meant, Nate."

She crosses her arms.

"This is all my fault." He whispers.

She moves closer to him, he looks so beaten. For the first time since she has come back she actually _sees_ him. How tired he looks and so much older than he is. He looks like a man that has given up.

And her heart breaks for him. And for her best friend, for the both of them. Things wasn't supposed to be like this.

For the first time she seems to be the one with the least problems.

"Stop it, Nate." She tries to take his hand.

He pushes her arm away, she tries to not look hurt.

"i tell her that our marriage is over and she almost gets herself killed right afterwards."

She flinches at his words, her heart literally skips a beat. She hates herself for reacting that way.

"What do you mean your marriage is over? Weren't you going home to fix things with her?" Her voice is small against the walls. The words almost gets stuck in her mouth.

"There was nothing left to fix." He whispers and she can see that his eyes are getting blank. She wants to hold him.

But doesn't.

She wants to say something, anything.

But doesn't.

He starts walking. She is standing still.

Doesn't want to follow him now. Thinks he needs and wants to be left alone.

He walks fast at first, then slower and slower. Finds himself wanting to stop and look back at her. Desperately wants her to follow him and comfort him.

He knows he doesn't deserve it and he knows he is an ass for wanting her to so badly.

She just stares at his back, tears in her eyes.

Her feet frozen to the floor.

No one is walking behind him, he hears no steps. He doesn't dare to turn around to see if she's still there.

Just focuses on the end of the hallway.

In one of these rooms his wife is lying bruised and alone, he needs to pull it together. If not for himself, so at least for her.

Serena sees him all the way at the end. Knows she won't go anywhere. She can't leave him. And she can't leave Blair.

She just wanted to give him some space. Give herself some breathing space.

So when she can see him round the corner, she starts walking too.

* * *

When she catches up to him he is talking to a doctor.

All she hears is vodka and under influence, she sees Nate's face turn grey and he's frowning lines gets wider.

Then she hears something about rehab and she freezes for a moment.

Is this whole thing much worse than anyone of them realized?

Nate looks like he is about to fall to the ground any minute so she goes up to him and grabs his hand.

Even though it's not really appropriate, she just has to. The movement so necessary. He needs someone now and she is the only one there.

She feels his body stiffen next to her, but soon he relaxes a little bit more. He doesn't look at her though, and she thinks it's all for the best.

Things doesn't need to get more complicated or more tense at the moment.

"Like I was saying, the half empty bottle was laying in the passenger seat and she was in no state to be driving. And I do believe she has a drinking problem." The doctor's voice is monotone and low.

Nate is trying to push his words away. Doesn't want to face them.

How could he have missed this?

When did he become this person that didn't see the people around him, this person he detests?

When did he become his grandfather?

"I need to see her." He suddenly says, intently and firmly.

The doctor looks to the ground. Serena squeezes his hand.

"I'm afraid she doesn't want to see you."

And then he leaves them there and Nate lets go of Serena.

She doesn't know what to say or do. She's about do ask if she should go see Blair when Dan comes running towards them.

"Is she okay?" He asks, all out of breath.

Nate just sits down at one of the chairs there,only staring into the air. He doesn't give Dan as much as a glance, he is lost in his own head. Trying to figure out where it all went so insanely wrong.

Serena nods at Dan, but can't take her eyes off of Nate.

Then she realizes something and turns to Dan again.

"How did you know Blair was here?"

She hadn't called him and she is pretty sure Nate hasn't.

She just hopes this isn't all on Gossip girl already.

"I..mm" Dan looks to the ground.

"She called me and it sounded like she had been drinking. And then I heard a bang and she was gone…" He sighs, he came here as fast as he could and when he saw Nate and Serena there he knew his fears where reality.

The noises from when Blair hung up on him is still buzzing in his head.

He had driven her as fast as he could, different scenarios clouding his mind.

"Why are you two out here and she alone in there?" He points to the door. Serena looks at Nate again. He is still just staring into nothingness. She crosses her arms and walks towards him.

"Maybe you can go see her?" She says and looks over at Dan. Doesn't want to tell him that Blair has specifically said that she doesn't want to see her husband. Or her ex husband, or whatever he is now. Serena's head is spinning from all of this.

Dan looks at her and then at Nate. Finally his eyes wanders to the door. Blair is in there. Hurt and alone.

Of course he'll go see her.

* * *

He slowly opens the door and walks inside. She is laying in the bed, her head turned away. She looks so small, so fragile and he doesn't know what to say or do. He just stands there watching her, isn't even sure if she's awake or heard him come in. Seeing her like this reminds him of that october night neither of them will ever forget. How he found her bruised and alone in her penthouse. He was there looking for Serena, but he found Blair at a corner in the darkness. He will never be able to get rid of that image of her sitting there, curled up with bruises on her arms. Her eyes only ghostlike, she looked totally paralyzed, didn't even notice his presence there. He had walked towards her slowly, lifted her up and just held here. Minutes went by without any words. But after a while there on the floor she had started crying and told him everything that had happened. He had looked at her in misbelief, felt anger rise in a way he didn't even think was possible.

Now he just feels sadness.

For everything she's been through and what's to come.

He stands frozen by the door as he sees her moving. She isn't turning around, she is still not looking at him.

"It's me." He says, both nervously and confidently at the same time.

He walks over to the chair at her bedside. She is still not turning around.

"I.." He starts, stops and takes a breath.

"i just wanted to see how you were." He sighs.

Nothing happens at first, but soon she faces him.

"Hey." She whispers, eyes blank. She's on the verge of crying, he can see that much. He knows her well by now, she doesn't like to show weakness or emotions.

But when she does he falls in love with her all over again.

Yes, love. He can't change that. She has tried her best many times, he has too. But it's something he can't nor wants to change or to lose.

It's been a part of him for many years now, he has found his own ways to handle it.

Or so he believes anyways.

"I've really done it this time." She closes her eyes, feels the tears on the tip of a cliff, ready to fall. She really doesn't want them to.

But with him it's the easiest. He has seen her on her worst days, on the bottom. It didn't make him see her differently. Perhaps it only made him see her as better, as someone remotly more human.

She doesn't know, it's not important. Not now.

Nothing is really all important, so she lets the tears fall, feel them flow down her cheek. She welcomes them, it's been hard keeping them away.

That has been a struggle alone.

She hears him breathing next to her and then suddenly she feels the tip of his finger on her skin.

He gently wipes away a single tear. Just that one, but his finger lingers there a little longer. Her eyes are still closed.

"Why did you do it, Blair?" He asks and pulls his chair closer to her.

"Drink and drive, it doesn't sound like you." He sighs.

She opens her eyes again and looks over at him.

"Nate told me that he isn't in love with me anymore." It's only a whisper. It hurts to say it out loud. She can see that Dan didn't expect that.

"We are over." She says, voice louder now. She has to come to terms with it.

He automatically grabs her hand, she freezes at the gesture. But she doesn't pull away, she lets him hold it.

"I have a problem."

He just nods, has suspected it.

"I can't pinpoint to when it started. At first it was only some glasses of wine, then there were bottles and soon after it was vodka in water bottles in the kitchen." She stops, feels ashamed to tell him this.

But his face doesn't flinch and his eyes doesn't leave hers. His look still filled with pure devotion.

"I just wanted to escape for a while, pretend…I think a part of me wanted Nate to figure it out though."

He doesn't blink, just holds her gaze. Let's her finish the telling.

"I wanted him to notice, but at the same time I tried my best to hide it. It was many conflicting emotions. I didn't want him to look at me differently. But I just wanted him to love me."

Her voice trembles, the tears starts coming again.

"All of me. And enough to understand everything…"

He strokes her cheek again, looks at her with understanding and yearning at the same time.

It makes her look down, it's hard to look him in the eyes. It has been for a very long time.

"You know…" She starts, while playing nervously with her fingers. She is still looking away from him.

"I haven't been in the hospital since..Since Chuck.." She can't make herself finish the sentence.

"Since he raped you." He says for her. Feels anger after only saying the words.

It should never have happened, she shouldn't have had to go through that.

She feels he whole body start shaking, thinking back on that night is still so horrible.

"You made me feel safe again." She whispers between the tears and she can see a flinch of surprise in his eyes.

He doesn't know what to say, just grabs a hold of both of her hands.

They sit in silence, the only noise filling the room is the sobs that escapes her lips from time to time.

"Sometimes.." She suddenly says.

"Sometimes i feel like this is all a punishment. A punishment for what I've done in the past."

Her hand goes automatically to her stomach.

He doesn't notice, he is just shaking his head at her.

"This is not a punishment. It's choices made by you, by Nate, Chuck, even by me that has lead to _this. _We control our lives and along the road we have let them spin out, we have made decisions that has been good and bad and they have all defined us._"_

He takes a breath.

"And right now, it's all pretty messy. But you can change that, Blair. We can all change that."

She just nods at him. Overwhelmed by everything.

"I'm tired." She suddenly says and turns away again.

He stands up, noticed the changes in her immediately. Wonders if he went too far. If what he said pushed her to close herself up again.

He sighs. She is a mystery that girl. He felt he was making progress with her, but now he thinks they went two steps back instead.

When he opens the door to leave her, he mouths an I love you she will never hear.


	8. Somebody that I used to know

**SPOILER ALERT! I am really upset by the latest spoilers, the two inevitable weddings. I just hate it. How can Serena marry Dan after he has practically called her pathetic and a whore.. It just baffles me. And don't get me started on Chair. I don't know if I should cry or laugh. And it has kind of drained me of inspiration, but at the same time given me some to make a better story. To write something I feel would be more fitting to the characters and their stories and relationships. But I'm sorry this chapter is a little short and maybe a little uninspired. I have some ideas for the next ones that will make them better and longer. Anyways, I just had to vent a little. I hope you skipped all of this and just read the chapter. Enjoy and review!**

* * *

She wants to thread lightly around him. Knows that this can't be easy for him.

But a part of her is mad at him, wants to slap him.

She can't understand how he has lived with an alcoholic and haven't noticed.

It upsets her that Blair has been standing in this whole mess alone.

She knows she can't only blame him for that.

Because where was she?

Partying all over Europe, sleeping around, living alone without thinking about the people she left behind.

Or thinking too much about the past and not the present.

"How.." She stops. breathes in.

She has a million questions on the tip of her tongue, but she doesn't know where to start.

He knows.

"You wonder how I didn't notice?"His voice is calm, but a little cold.

He knows he shouldn't snap at her. He knows he is an ass for not realizing this. He knows this is all his fault.

But to accept that, that's hard.

His tone only makes her more mad at him.

"Yes." She says firmly.

"I don't have an answer for you, Serena."

He looks away. She stands up.

"I just can't understand how you live with a person and don't see it? How you claim to love her and you couldn't see that she was struggling with this. God knows for how long…"

She stops, bites her lip.

"Oh, so now you believe that I've never loved her?" He is standing now too.

Hands to his side, anger in his eyes.

"That's not what I said, Nate." She crosses her arms. Pulls away from his gace.

People on the hospital are starting to stare at them now, standing opposite each other talking loudly.

"But how didn't you notice this?" She tries to stay collected.

She just wants to understand him, to understand Blair. Everything.

"I don't know! Okay?" He yells at her.

"I'm the worst…" He stops, takes a breath.

She moves closer to him, but he pulls back.

She hates this.

All of this.

Intensly.

"It's not like you were here either!" He snaps at her, knows she hasn't deserved it. Knows it is a cheap shot.

Regrets it as soon as he sees the hurt written all over her face.

"Serena.."

"Don't.."

She finds herself standing there pointing at him.

"I don't recognize you, Nate. Not at all. This is not the man I…" _the man i loved. _

She bites her tongue, looks over at him.

He doesn't look at her now, his face is turned in another direction.

He tries to shut her out.

"This is not you." She whispers.

He stares at her again.

"Well maybe it is."

He shakes his head. Frustration and guilt filling his mind. He feels dizzy and sick.

"You wouldn't know; Serena. You left us! Remember? Maybe she started drinking because of that!" He spits the words, hope they'll hurt her like he is hurting now.

He feels terrible and selfish right after.

But it's too late.

She feels tears pressing.

They just stare at each other.

He feels his heart ache, and he has only himself to blame.

She tries to fight the urge to cry. And slap him. They are both hard struggles.

"You left me.." He whispers and starts walking away.

She wants to yell something after him, but her mouth feels completely dry.

So she just stares at him leaving, don't breathe before she sees him disappearing in the distance.

* * *

Dan sees her immediately.

She is sitting alone at a chair, crying silently.

"Hey, what happened?" He asks and sits down next to her.

Lays a hand on her shoulder, isn't sure what to do next.

Serena wipes away the tears and tries to flash him a smile.

"Nothing.. Just everything." She sighs.

"Where's Nate?" He then asks.

Can't see him anywhere there.

"He left." She just says.

He furrows his brows.

"Left?"

She nods.

The look on her face tells him that Nate leaving has something to do with her wet cheeks. But he doesn't ask, he doesn't want to get in the middle of it.

Been in the middle of things too many times before.

"How are you, Serena? With your mother an all.." He feels they haven't spoken and with everything going on with Blair now, he feels they all forgot her pain.

She smiles at him.

"Okay." She says.

"Just okay." She looks down.

He halfway hugs her.

"How was Blair?" She asks when they part.

He sighs.

"Not too good, but I think she'll get there."

He can't tell Serena everything that was said in there.

She doesn't except more, isn't sure she wants to hear it all.

Knows she has to talk to Blair later, dreads it in a way.

"How did we all end up here?" Dan asks and looks straight ahead, into thin air.

She silently shakes her head. It comes automatically. She hasn't got an answer for that.

All the choices they've made, all the roads they've all taken.

Somehow they all ended up here. Messier than ever.

Right now she wishes she was far away.

When she doesn't say anything, he takes it upon himself to come up with some kind of answer.

"I have regrets. I think we all could have done things differently. And then maybe this..This wouldn't be happening."

He knows exactly what he could have done, should have done.

He should have had the guts to fight for her.

_For Blair._

Looking back on it he let her go too easily. He gave up way too fast.

Serena sees the pain in his eyes and she wonders what caused it.

She feels like she doesn't know him now. And maybe she doesn't.

Probably don't.

"Do you regret us?" She asks cautiously.

He smiles at her while shaking his head.

"No, Serena. Not at all. But that doesn't mean we were right for each other either."

She has to laugh at that, and he gladly joins her.

Because what time and other things has showed him is that your high school love not always is the true one.

"Can you imagine if ever got married?" She says, still giggling.

"It would have been…" He starts.

"Terrible." She finishes for him.

"Exactly."

She squeezes his arm.

"I still care about you though, Dan. I hope you know that."

He nods.

"Right back at you."

They both turn their faces to the door in front of them.

Both thinking about Blair and just their lives in general.

Dan starts thinking about his books and all they things he has written about this world of theirs.

And it leads him to the book he hasn't yet dared to publish.

Maybe it's time soon.

Maybe he should stop deleting sentences and just give the publishers the finished book that lays in his drawer.

It also makes him think about Serena and all the things he wrote about her.

"I'm sorry for judging you, for never accepting all of you." He suddenly says.

And she can feel her heart skip a beat.

Thinking about that time in her life brings back so many memories, both good and bad.

Right now, she just wants to forget about it all together.

"I never quite understood why I couldn't do it with you, but…" _But so easily with Blair_.

He has to bite his tounge.

Hopes Serena doesn't notice the changes in his voice and facial expression.

She doesn't.

She is drowning in her own thoughts and regrets.

In particular one mistake she did all those years ago, one thing she can never take back, never change.

That one thing could have altered their future, their lives at this point.

"I always thought you'd marry Nate." Dan suddenly blurts out.

She feels her body freeze.

He notices. He sees the sad look on her face.

The emptiness in her eyes.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I just.." He sighs.

He isn't quite sure why he said it, it just came out.

He shakes his head at his own indiscretion.

"At one point I just thought I had found my Nate too."

That brings back a smile on her face.

She gives him a confused look and he laughs.

"You know what I mean. The person I thought I'd be with forever. Soulmate or whatever you choose to call it."

She closes her eyes.

_Soulmate._

She doesn't like that word to be honest.

And she doesn't like the feelings only Nate's name can bring back.

But it's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when your heart still does.

That she has experienced more times than one.

_Love._

_Real love._

That's been a one time thing.

She tries shaking the thoughts and feelings away.

"Someone I know?" She asks Dan, to take the focus back on him.

To suppress her own feelings for a while longer.

Dan takes a breath.

A part of him wants to tell her. To tell the whole damn world.

But it's not the right time nor the right place.

"No." He simply says and stands up.

She is about to ask more, but something else is catching her eye now.

"Look who's coming." Dan says and suddenly Serena doesn't care about his past loves anymore.

Because Nate is coming back, walking slowly towards them.

He has his hands in his pockets and he looks defeated.

Serena doesn't care.

When he has come all the way to them she simply brushes past him without looking at him.

"Serena.." He says while trying to take her arm.

She slips out from his touch and just walks by.

Dan shrugs his shoulders at him and the two of them just sits silently down at the chairs.

Neither says anything about what just happened or anything else that has happened for the past 48 hours.

It's best that way.

For now at least.

They just both stare at the door.

And think about the girl that lays behind it.

The girl who doesn't want to see neither of them.


	9. My side of the story

**NOTE: It's been three weeks since the last chapter took place, and Blair is in the Ostroff center. **

* * *

"My story?"

"Well, how much time do you have?"

* * *

He is staring at the picture on his desk.

It's him and Blair on their wedding day.

Those two people look so happy. They were so in love once.

They don't exist anymore. He think they were like a breeze.

Never meant to last.

They weren't forever and he should have realized that sooner.

When they fell in love again, they came from difficult situations. They both came from heartbreak.

And they hold on to each other in the storm that was their lives.

Maybe he should've let go much sooner.

Or not maybe, he should. He knows that now.

Looking back at the outcome of their whole story, he most certainly should have understood that it was what it was. Two people comforting each other. Two people preparing each other for what comes next.

In a way they were each other in betweeners. And you shouldn't marry your rebound.

Yes, it was love. But not the right kind.

And now Blair doesn't want to see him.

He can't blame anyone else but himself.

He flips the picture over, can't bare to look at it anymore.

On top of everything he lashed out on Serena and she won't return any of his calls.

Nate looks around his office and sighs.

He feels trapped inside these walls.

And right there and then he decides. He decides that this is not what he wants anymore.

Actually never wanted at all.

He has been pushed from all sides, and he realizes how weak he has been.

He starts shoving the papers on his desk into boxes and leaves his office in a mess.

Nothing ever quite seems to turn out right.

* * *

"I don't know when it started. I can't tell you that it was this day or that day. I think it gradually got out of control. For every fight with my husband I got one more glass of wine. For every night alone I took three. It just went along with the way things were going in my life. The more I pretended that everything was okay, the more I found myself drinking. It made me escape the loneliness and the heartache for a little while. I didn't realize that it was a problem, I thought I had it all under control. I never loose control! You know?"

"Its hard for me to admit that I have a drinking problem. It's hard for me to admit that I have problems at all. I feel like I've built my life on lies and now it's all coming undone. Everything is falling apart, the cracks are wide open. Where do you go from there? "

"It scares me. To start over. Alone. I'm not used to that. I haven't been single for more than a month in my whole life. And me and my best friend were inseparable when we were younger. We stood by each other through everything, and when she left I think she took a piece of me with her. She is back now, but i'm not sure how to handle that either. It's like it's a invisible wall between us now. We don't know each other like we used to. But I want to go back to that, it would be nice. And I would like to fall in love again, to finally experience true love, the right kind. The good kind.

"I thought I found it once, he was all consuming. But he wasn't good for me, he didn't treat me well at all. I couldn't see that at first, he blinded me. He made me feel like a little girl, not the woman I wanted to be. The strong, independent woman I've always seen myself becoming. And when I broke it off with him, he stole something from me. He stole my safety, my innocence in a way, my right to feel secure in my own home. One night, he…"

"He raped me."

"I can't seem to let go off that. It's with me all the time, like a blackness in the background. Like a shadow that follows me. It's funny really, often in life, we forget the things we should remember and remember the things we should forget. I should move pass the rape now and hold onto the thing that saved me for a while. My savior."

"The rape is always with me, but I don't think I started drinking because of it. No, the drinking started later on. When I was married. And I don't want to blame it entirely on my husband. It's not only his fault. We just… We weren't right for each other. I see that now. I might have seen it for a while. We stopped being the couple, but stayed the same people. I've always strived for perfection in any aspect of my life, and when I didn't achieve it in my marriage I tried to convince myself that I had. But nothing or no one is perfect. It's not possible, I see that now too."

"My husband was the one to leave me. But that's not really the sad part, the sad part is that I would've never left him."

"In all of this I've realized something though. Love is when you accept someone at their worst, or else you don't deserve them at their best."

* * *

Serena is shaking all the time in the elevator. She feels nervous all of a sudden.

She never does.

He causes it. He's the only exception.

_Always._

She walks slowly into the apartment, she is there to tell him she's sorry. She regrets blaming him.

"I thought I'd find you here." She says when she spots him in the living room. He is sitting still in the coach.

He looks up at her with those blue puppy eyes, and she melts on the spot.

"Serena.."

"I thought I'd might find you here."

He stands up and she can see the surprise in his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

They say it at exactly the same time.

She smiles at it, he doesn't.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about." He whispers and looks at the ground.

He feels so bad for yelling at her in the hospital. And he hasn't been able to forget the hurt in her eyes.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you."

He sits down, she does too.

They sit opposite each other and she tries to make eye contact.

He avoids it.

She sighs.

"No, but I shouldn't have put all the blame on you. I saw you were hurting and I just made it worse. And for that I'm really sorry.I'm sorry for not picking up when you called too. I I've been busy and I just wanted to take this in person"

He looks at her now. Holds her gaze to the point where she feels she can't breathe.

He has this powerful affect on her that she wants to run from. To hide from it.

She is the one to look away first.

The air is filled with tension, she feels so bad for having these feelings inside.

All she wants is for them to go away.

"I understand why you did. I beat myself up for it every day. How could I miss it? What does that say about me?"

He doesn't notice the change in her, can't see her inner struggle.

She brings herself to look at him again, wants him to see that she cares and understands.

"It says that you are human. We make mistakes, we aren't perfect. Your marriage were falling apart and your job takes a lot of work. I can't put myself in your shoes. I weren't here…" The last thing is only a whisper.

She really doesn't want to talk about it.

Because talking about her leaving, leads to talking about them, and love and everything she still wants to escape.

That's whys she reacted the way she did on the hospital when he whispered that she'd left him. Why she couldn't talk to him when he came back.

It's too difficult.

"I just wish I could have done something. Anything."

Serena nods, she understands.

She wishes she was here to do something too. Do be there for Blair.

"She still doesn't want to see me." He sighs, it's hard to talk about.

"I know." Serena whispers.

"How is she?" He asks, stands up with his hands in his pockets.

He looks like a sixteen year old boy.

"Good. Better." Serena gives him a little smile, it doesn't quite reach her blue eyes.

Nate just nods. There isn't much to say.

"I'm here to pack." He suddenly says.

"I've gotten an apartment and I've come to pick up the rest off my stuff. This place will be hard to leave behind" He smiles at her.

It will be strange to leave this place. So much has happened here and he has lived here for so long now.

Serena is standing now too, nervously playing with her hair.

He notices the change in her now.

Bets she is thinking about the times they've spent here.

He knows _he_ is. Even though he knows he shouldn't.

"I'm glad you came by." He says and briefly touches her arm.

It makes her feel like her whole skin is on fire.

She shivers, he pulls a little back.

"I have to go."

* * *

"And my husband. My husband never seemed to get over his love for _my_ best friend. I don't know if it makes me hypocrite to hold it against him. Because somewhere along the line, between the heartache and my wedding, I fell in love with _his_."

"I don't know if or when I ever fell out."

* * *

Dan is sitting in the darkness, the only thing that gives light is his lap top screen.

In front of him lays the script of his book, bounded and ready for someone to read.

No one has. He hasn't dared to show it to anyone.

He finds the file on his computer, starts reading it.

Stops at the first page. Looks at the quote there.

_"I'll surrender now, because you broke my guard."_

This book might be the most personal of them all, and it hits so close to home it's difficult for him to read it all.

For an outsider it reads like pure fiction. The story in the novel takes place at the 20's, the main character is a bartender that falls in love with the rich, gorgeous girl.

Cliche, he knows. But there is so much more to it.

Well, the girl is engaged to the richest heir in the city, his father owns bars all over the country. Their story is dark and brutal, and the bartender helps her out when things get bad. And as the story goes they fall in love. But they have a ton of obstacles in their way and the girl has her doubts about him. She can't fully come to terms with the fact that he is from the wrong part of the city. In comes Price Charming. The new guy in town is handsome, rich and actually kind. He manages to sweep her of her feet while she still have feelings for the main man. He, the bartender, decides to let her go. Because he feels she will get everything she wants and needs with the other man. But he never stops loving her.

The people are inspired by the real people in his life.

Some of the quotes and situations are taken from his time with Blair.

_And this is his and Blair's love story._

He stares at one of his favorite quotes. it was something he told Blair after the rape. He knows it had an impact, just not as big as he hoped for.

_"You are fiercely strong, independent, outspoken, beautiful, capable of anything and no man should be able to take that away from you."_

And here they are now, she is in rehab and he is still hung up on her.

He didn't fight for her when Nate came into the picture, he regrets it now.

But a part of him feels it wouldn't have made a difference , she would still have married Nate.

He represented everything she was hoping to get out of life.

And no matter how much Dan loved her, he wouldn't be enough.

At least not then.

He skips to the last page, reads the last sentence out loud.

_Someone else will keep you safe from the storm now. _

The storm is back, and that someone is gone.

He sighs.

Maybe this novel should get a new ending.

He stares at the screen for a while, he really wants this to get published.

But a part of him is too afraid.

This is now or never.

He opens up a new mail. Types his publisher's email address. Attaches the document. Sees it loading.

It feels like an eternity before it says uploaded.

He knows that it's no turning back once it's done. He bites his nails while just staring at the screen.

Knows this is a risk, but he is tired of being a coward.

Dan wants to play in the big league for a change.

His hand shakes like crazy when he presses send.

* * *

"I have many regrets, many things I should've done differently. I have nightmares and dreams."

"The thing that haunts me most of all though, even more than the rape and my failed marriage, is that I once was pregnant."


	10. Brooklyn

**A/N: Sorry again for updating so late. I'm in the middle of my exams, and I still have two left. I know this update have no Serenate, and sorry to all of you who expected them to be in every chapter. But they'll be coming back strong in the next one. Please read and review! :D**

* * *

_"So tonight I'll be your Brooklyn_

_So cool and yet so far away_

_Just tell me what you want for me to say_

_And if it brings you home._

_I guess it's safe to say_

_We both could use this fire escape_

_Cause I've been breathin' ashes in_

_And I've been waiting for something to carry you away"_

* * *

"I was scared. I knew we couldn't last.I…"

"I took an abortion and not a day goes by without me regretting it. I feel like I'm being punished for it now. My husband and I tried, but nothing happened. And when you look how things turned out, I think that was for the best."

"But the abortion.. I wish I could take it back"

"I wish I could travel back to my old self and tell her that you have to enjoy the little things in life, for someday you will realize they were the big things. That day is now. The little things like a look, a hug, holding a hand. Looking into someone's eyes and feel both adored and empowered. It was life is about, all the small gestures we just forget. They passes us by and we don't appreciate it. I didn't. And I chose to end a life… Because I didn't really _see _those little things. See him."

"And I so desperately want to go back and change it. I was so stupid, so selfish. So completely blind. What I had was a good thing. And I ruined it. And why? Because I thought I was better than him? He is ten times better than all of us and I could live a hundred lifetimes without deserving him. I know that. And I could've been a mother now, had I just gotten past my fears. Seen what I see so clearly now. "

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep reading the last one over and over. One day I have to get passed the could-have-beens. The things that weigh on my mind. On the other side of that, there might be happiness for me too. And maybe a family and hopefully pure, true love."

"I just want to be happy."

* * *

He knows he could be the one to make her happy. He has always known that. But as sure as he was, she always doubted it.

He couldn't be the one to give her everything she imagined she needed.

Dan wanders around his apartment, trying to stop thinking about her and the novel he sent to his publishers.

He still hasn't heard anything from them and it's almost been four weeks.

All he can think about is Blair, what her reaction will be to the book and if there ever will be a book for her to read.

He feels like a teenager again. Like he is still an outsider. Still a pawn in this big game where everyone around him is kings and queens.

Once all he wanted was to be on the inside. He kind of is now, but at the same time he never will be.

He knows that, fully accepts it.

And it doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't need it, doesn't want it.

All he wants is Blair.

He sighs and looks at his computer.

A new mail.

He feels his pulse increase.

"We loved it, Dan. I've sent it through. Great job, my bosses are ecstatic. This really is a love story for the ages."

He feels completely numb. This was what he wanted, but was so scared of too.

Now he has to tell Blair.

Details she wants to escape, things she has buried long time ago, they are all coming out now. People will read it.

They hopefully won't know or understand it.

But she will.

He has to talk to her.

She needs to hear this from him.

_A love story for the ages._

If only so.

* * *

"I have one more secret. Something that would have changed everything. If I hadn't kept it, things would probably be different now. I wouldn't be sitting her, I wouldn't be getting a divorce. And Serena would maybe have not left again. I… It was incredibly selfish, what I did…What I've kept."

"It's not only mine secret. I kind of share it with someone. But not fully. Because I lied, I manipulated a situation for my benefit. And I think that it have backfired on me. I made a mistake and now it's too late. Or not really. But the secret isn't mine to tell. Not now. "

"We all have them don't we? Secrets."

"Mine are just bigger and darker than many others."

"And I know I can't escape them, they'll haunt me forever if I don't get them of my chest."

"But I'm not sure I'm ready to face the music just yet."

* * *

Dan is standing outside her door.

He doesn't know if she is ready for him to visit. If she is ready for anyone or anything at all.

But he needs to see her, talk to her.

It's important that he gets to tell her about the book.

The damage will be so much bigger if she finds out from someone else.

He knocks three times and walks inside.

To his surprise he finds her standing over her suitcases packing.

She turns around and looks at him, her face a mix of joy and angst.

"Are you leaving already?" He asks cautiously.

She nods and turns away again.

"My therapist said I'm ready." She whispers and he walks towards her.

She feels her whole body starting to shake, it feels like she's loosing all control.

Tears starts pressing and she lets them come, finds it freeing.

He stops right behind her, lays his hand gently on her lower back.

The small gesture sends shivers down her spine.

And it only makes the shaking worse.

"Don't you feel ready?" He whispers, still with his hand securely on her back.

She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes.

"I feel ready, it's just…" She stops, knows her feelings makes no sense now.

She feels completely ready, but at the same time not.

She feels strong, but fragile and weak right after.

"I can't go back there now, not all by myself… It's just…" She sits down at the bed, her hands in her lap.

She stares at her fingers, can't bare to look at him.

"Too much has happened." He finishes for her and she simply nods.

He sits down by her side.

Has completely forgotten all about the thing he came there to tell her.

All he sees now is her. All he thinks about is making her happy. Make her smile again, make her feel secure.

"You can.." He starts, swallows nervously.

"You can come and live in my apartment."

She turns to look at him, blinks and a tear escapes from her eyelash.

He gets the urge to catch it.

But sits completely still.

The tension between them almost unbearable.

His hand moves slowly over the bed, he pauses the movement when it lays next to hers. He gently moves on finger to her hand, she doesn't freeze at his touch nor does she move her hand. He just strokes her skin with his pinky finger and after a while he covers her whole hand with his.

She thinks that nothing has ever made her feel more loved.

And that breaks her heart a little.

Because she let _this_ go. She let him go.

That might very well rank as her biggest mistake to date.

As his hand lays securely on hers she feels like it's okay to breathe again. Like it's possible.

And she feels stronger in an instant and more secure.

_He always makes her feel safe._

"Do you…"

"Do you still have the keys to the loft?" She asks quietly, her voice so vulnerable.

He looks at her, his eyes full of surprise.

Then he nods slowly.

He understands whys she wants to go there.

For a while it was her safe place.

* * *

He hasn't been there in a while.

The place holds so many memories he wants to forget, but at the same time knows he never will. And a part of him wants to keep them all, the good and the bad.

They'll always be a part of him.

He turns on the lights and starts walking around.

Blair sits down at the coach, breathes out and just watches him pace around.

Dan stops by a little round table, takes up a picture.

Blair observes him, sees his hand shake a little.

"Jenny?" She asks quietly, wants to thread lightly.

He nods. Shakes off the tears that presses.

He walks towards her and sits down next to her.

"It's been over five years, but I still..." He shakes his head over and over.

There are no words.

"I don't think you can ever get over that, I don't think you're supposed to."

She whispers and reaches out to take his hand.

It feels so natural all of a sudden.

To touch him, to be close to him.

He nods, looks down at their intertwined hands.

The words she said could very well have been about them too.

He's not able to let her go.

Not even after all these years, after everything.

"It's been hard." He takes a breath.

She simply nods, understands.

But she doesn't.

Because he isn't talking about Jenny anymore.

He is talking about her.

"It's been hard seeing you with him."

She freezes at the words, automatically pulls her hand away from him.

She didn't expect _that._

"It killed me to watch you marry him. It killed me to sit at your dinner table watching you two hold hands. And even more, it killed me that it bothered me so much. Because Nate is my best friend and I.." _I love you._

He pauses.

"I wanted you to be happy. And all you wanted was him."

A tear slips down her cheek.

He gently wipes it away with his fingertip.

She doesn't know what to say now.

All she can think about is his lips on hers.

And the baby.

She starts thinking about their baby.

That just means more tears. More tears for him to catch.

Dan moves a little closer to her, his face inches from hers.

Their breaths feels like one.

He lays his hand on her cheek and gently removes her hair behind her ear tip.

She closes her eyes and breathes in.

Their lips are so close. She feels his breath on her skin.

She feels so alive.

He is starting to close the little gap between them when se pulls away.

"I can't do this..." She whispers.


	11. I want to be the one to make you happy

_"I don't want to live a day without you, I just want to be the one that makes you happy. _

_Happy."_

* * *

Dan jumps up from the coach. Rubs his forehead as he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry." He says over and over.

Must have misread all the signals he felt she was giving him.

"It's okay." Blair whispers and looks to the ground.

"Yeah, well.." He starts. Confusion filing his face and mind.

"I just thought...You were giving me signals…You took my hand and I just.."

He is standing in front of her. Reaching for answers, almost demanding them with his eyes.

She feels her hands shaking.

"It's not you, Dan. It's me…I"

Her words makes anger rise in him, irritation and helplessness at the same time.

"Really, Blair? Is that what you are going for?" His voice full of sarcasm.

She nods slowly, ignores the tone in his voice.

"You know what? I get it." He throws his arms helplessly at his side.

"I get it." He repeats, sets his eyes in hers.

"I was never good enough for you. I never will be. Some things will never change. You will always see yourself as the queen of the upper east side and in your eyes I will always bee the poor boy from the wrong side of the city."

She stands up now too, takes a step towards him.

"We don't live in a disney movie. It's not that easy, not black and white. I…"

He rolls his eyes at her, it's so typical her to say something like that.

"There was a time I didn't think you could be the one I needed." She then admits as she gently touches his arm.

It doesn't surprise him, he has always know it was the problem.

That he was.

"I was wrong, Dan. Just know that..."

He blinks, feels his heart beat faster.

"And what do you need now?" His voice is low and vulnerable.

She looks at him, takes a breath.

"I need time. Space. I have to figure out what I need, what I want now." She can't even bare to look at him.

"I've been waiting. I've been..I" He feels so frustrated, but at the same time he gets a flash of hope again. He sees a light far away.

"Don't you think I've noticed? The small looks you gave me at the dinner parties. How you hugged me a little longer than you maybe should have. How your nose lingered so softly pressed to my hair. I noticed. Nate didn't, but I did. And those gestures made me sad. They upset me, scared me. But at the same time I cherished them. I welcomed them. You've made me feel things I didn't think were possible…"

The last words only a whisper.

None of them say anything for a while. He is staring at the ground, she is staring at him.

Knows that all of this is hurting him.

Hates to be the one to cause him pain. Done too much of it already.

"I have this darkness inside of me. I can't change that, it's a part of me. Chuck and I shared that. He understood it. He could love it, because he is the same. You are not. You are good, pure. I don't deserve that. I can't understand that someone like you can love me. Not whole of me. It's not possible." She suddenly tells him. She just needs to get it out.

She has always felt that Chuck was the only one who could truly love her despite everything she'd done and did. Dan and Nate would never be fully able to except the dark parts of her, the side of her that she has failed to bury.

"But I do. Don't you understand that? I still love you. And it has always been everything. All of you. Can't you see that?" He asks desperately.

She feels tears starting to come. Doesn't want to cry anymore, pushes them away.

Puts on that mask that has become way too familiar.

"But you shouldn't have to.." She whispers as he starts walking around.

"I let you slip away. " He says, regrets not fighting for her so badly.

"Life doesn't just go around handing out second chances. You have to grab hold of those who come along. "

She is completely silent. Her body frozen, her face emotionless.

"It feels like this is mine. Ours."

His voice is stronger now, more determined.

She feels horrible.

He is standing there fighting for her and she can't bring herself to surrender.

She can't be what he needs her to now.

He realizes that she won't give in. That she doesn't want this chance.

_That she still doesn't want him._

"It's okay Blair." He starts.

"You can stay her, I'll leave you alone now. Give you time and space." He sighs.

"You been through so much, I'm sorry for adding more.." He smiles at her, it doesn't quite reach his hazel eyes.

She shakes her head at him.

"Don't say you are sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for." Her voice cracks.

He grabs his keys and walks towards the front door.

She walks after him.

"Dan.." She whispers.

He turns around.

"I just need to tell you something before you leave me. And I know I said we don't live in a movie and you know I hate cliches, but this I have to say to you. Because you deserve to hear it and I need you to, I need you to not give up.."

"What?" He asks, both impatiently and mildly curious.

"All those year ago, even though you might not believe me, I gave you my heart. And I…" She stops, bites her lip.

He looks at her and feels his hand shake a little.

Fears the next part.

"And I think I never got it back." It's only a whisper, he almost doesn't get the words.

But he does. He blinks, looks down.

Gives her a little smile as he opens the door.

Then he leaves her there.

* * *

The doorman lets her in and she heads for the elevator.

His apartment is on the top.

Her fingers are pressed around a paper.

It's why she's there. She has to see him, make sure everything's okay.

As the elevator doors opens she takes a deep breath.

"Nate?" She yells.

"I'm in the kitchen" He answers and she stops by the mirror to see how she looks.

It's silly. She almost shake her head at herself.

Serena starts walking.

His place looks nice, it's the first time she's there.

It's not too big, not too much.

"Hey" She says, holds up the paper for him to see.

He sighs.

He is on the front page.

"Congressman Nathaniel Archibald resigns before the elections. Which scandal is he hiding?"

She gives him a sympathetic look.

"What happened, Nate?" She asks, voice low.

He shakes his head.

Doesn't know where to start.

"They are speculating in you cheating, taking money, that you have a drinking problem.."

He knows. Has read it all.

"I just don't want to do it anymore. I got pushed into that job. My grandfather, Blair.." He stops, sits down.

She does too. Looks at him and sighs.

"Then I think you made the right choice. You shouldn't do something you don't want to."

He smiles at her. She returns it.

"I'm just glad they haven't found out about Blair. And I hope it stays that way. It would destroy her…"

"I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost two months, you know?" He sighs, rubs his forehead.

She simply nods, knows he hasn't.

Sees how much it bothers him.

She reaches out and squeezes his hand. Notices that he has removed his wedding ring. It makes her feel things she doesn't want to.

Serena removes her hand from his and they sit in silence.

"I've cooked dinner. You are more than welcome to join me." He gives her a smile.

Really wants her to stay.

"Since when do you cook?" She asks and giggles.

"Since yesterday." He says and joins her.

* * *

"I can't believe you don't remember that!" She says and laughs.

"We were high, Serena" He answers and laughs too.

This feels so natural, so easy, so good.

The two of them just hanging out, reminiscing about the old days.

"Yeah, but I still remember. You were walking around Manhattan in just your boxers, it was priceless."

She giggles, takes a sip of the wine.

"You just really liked the view."

His words makes her blush a little, she tries to shake it off.

"Don't flatter yourself, Archibald."

He gives her one of those smiles that can melt ice.

One of those she always wished could be reserved only for her.

She looks down.

"This meal was actually half decent." She says.

He furrows his brows at her.

"Actually? Half decent?" He asks, pretends to be offended.

"That's all you're getting."

And then they stop laughing, stop talking, stop breathing.

Because the words and the melody coming out of his stereo now sounds too familiar.

Her heart stops a little.

Her head takes her back. She feels sixteen again.

Young and in love.

Suddenly he is on his feet and reaches out his hand. She sees it's shaking a little.

She looks up at him, her eyes big. She blinks, feels her body shiver.

"Do you remember?" He whispers.

_Of course she does._

She nods, looks at his hand. Hesitates a little at first but takes it.

It fits in his perfectly. Just like it always has.

She stands up with him and they start moving slowly to the melody.

Her right hand securely in his, his right hand on her back.

She listens intently to the lyrics. He does too.

Has always felt like they summed the two of them up. They summon up his feelings. _Everything._

_"If I had my way, I had my way_

_I wouldn't change a thing, wouldn't change a thing_

_Cause you're my obsession_

_You keep me in the dark to see your spark_

_You're keeping me guessing_

_Messing with my heart. Got it down to an art_

_Your eyes surprise me every time_

_Your kiss it twist me, blurring the lines_

_And it's the very first night all over_

_The very first smile and then_

_I'm falling for you_

_Again_

_You wreck my world, you wreck my world_

_You're always that girl, always that girl_

_Who walked in the room and_

_I couldn't look away. You captivate _

_So drawn to you, and I still feel that way_

_Some things never change"_

The song makes her want to curl up in a corner. Let all the tears out.

They hit too close too home.

"I have to change. I need someone to fix me." She suddenly whispers and he sets his eyes in her. Blinks twice at her words.

"No, you don't. You don't need to be somebody else. You don't need to be fixed. You need someone to love you for you. All of you. Your flaws and imperfections. Whole of you, every little thing."

He says as his hand goes automatically lower on her back.

She doesn't mind it. Just continue to move in tact with him.

"I don't know if that's possible" She says, voice vulnerable.

"I did." _I do._

She closes her eyes and her heart skips a few beats.

When she opens them she sees his eyes drawn to her lips. It's not more than a millisecond, but she sees it.

His eyes quickly locked with hers again soon after.

Their lips so close, she feels his breath on her skin. Can see the small scar at the side of his nose.

He can smell the perfume on her neck. The one she always wears.

"You can't kiss me." She whispers and breaks the eye contact.

"Oh, I know." He says, still staring at her.

"Doesn't mean I don't want to."

She doesn't respond to that.

She wants him too badly. Can remember the feeling of his lips on hers. They haven't kissed in over five years, but she swears the feeling still lingers on her mouth. Like a burn.

A memory she will never loose. Nor does she want to.

"Why did I ever let you go?" He whispers and sighs.

A tear makes its way down her cheek.

"You didn't, remember? I ran..." Her voice cracks with emotion.

He closes his eyes, they are standing still on the floor now, still holding hands. Still closer than they've been in years.

None of them ready to let go. To put space between them.

"You will always be the one that got away." He says then and she looks away.

"Nate.." She whispers, turns to him again.

"I can't be what you want me to be." She tells him.

He shakes his head a little at her words.

"I just want you to be you"

"But…" She stops. Can't seem to find the right words.

They are stuck in her throat for a second. Or more.

"But I have this restlessness in me. This urge to be free and I can't seem to escape that."

He wants to scream, he knows all of this. Has known it since they were six years old. Knows it will never change.

Doesn't need it to.

"I'd let you have that freedom, I have no desire to hold you back. I won't deny you your independence or tie you down."

He sets her eyes in her again, she can't old his gaze for too long. Looks at their feet instead.

"I know" She whispers.

"So what are you saying then?" He asks, afraid he won't like her answer. Has to ask though.

Selftorturing doesn't seem to get old.

"That maybe it's time you finally let me go." Her voice is steadier now, she forces it to be.

"For real this time." She adds.

He looks to the ground, then his eyes move up and they find hers again.

Their blue eyes blank.

He doesn't say anything and he doesn't let go of her.

The music has stopped a long time ago, but neither of them noticed.

Now they just stand there, hands intertwined, eyes locked.

She had to tell him that, say those words.

Because this is starting to feel like something she has desperately been trying to avoid, to run from.

_This_ feels like falling in love.

_Again._


	12. Higher than the moon, but still so low

**A/N: I'm so,so sorry! I know i've said it before. But I really have hair a writer's block lately. This show ended in the worst way and in many ways it was THE WORST show ever.. So my inspiration has been down and below zero. And this chapter might very well rank as my worst work to date, and that says much. BUT I hope you'll read and review either way. And maybe find it in your hearts to forgive me. i will come back faster and stronger! :D**

* * *

He doesn't sleep that night.

All he can see when he closes his eyes is her face right before she left.

Determined but sad. Strong, but at the same time fragile.

Hard to read.

But one thing he knows, she felt something too.

It was not just him. They shared a moment. Intense. All consuming.

Whatever people call it.

All he knows, it's that it was real. It felt so incredibly real.

Like something has been missing in his life up to now.

And it has. _She has._

He throws himself over on his back, stares at the ceiling.

Dreams of a different life, a different world. It's hard to come back to reality.

He decides to escape it a little longer, gets up and finds some of his stash and heads over to Dan's apartment.

As childish as it is, he needs the high now more than ever.

* * *

They sit on the hardwood floor, smoking and drinking. Tries to escape their lives for a little while.

But it's easier said than done.

Nate is only thinking about Serena and Dan can't stop picturing Blair's face when he left her at the loft.

They are both so screwed. (And not in the good way at all.)

"I tried to kiss your wife last night. " Dan says and hands Nate another beer.

"Ex wife." Nate says and sighs.

"I was dying to kiss your ex girlfriend. I'm not much better.."

They both sigh as they take another sip.

"How the hell did things end up so fucking dysfunctional?" Dan asks philosophically

"When we all started screwing each other." Nate says in all seriousness.

Dan shakes his head at that and laughs a little. That might have been mistake number one. And two. And three..

"I've always feared that we would end up like our parents. Or our grandparents. End up like every miserable sucker in this rotten world." Nate suddenly says

"And Chuck once told me happiness didn't seem to be on the menu for us. And maybe he was right?

Dan just nods.

Nate sees him quiver a little by the mention of Chuck. And Nate is surprised he even said his name. He doesn't usually talk about his former best friend. Not with anyone.

"I.." Nate starts.

"I don't know why I brought him up. I just remembered our conversation. How I as a sixteen years old boy knew that this was coming. That I would end up like this. A failure without a shed of happiness."

Dan thinks about his book then. And is glad Nate was so cool about it, he was dreading to tell him about it, but it went okay.

He doesn't exactly feel like a failure, but he doesn't feel happy either. And mostly he doesn't feel like this is really his world. He is just pretending, he doesn't really fit in here.

And maybe that is a good thing after all.

Maybe he is just now realizing that.

Nate looks at the floor.

His phone is buzzing. Like it's been for days.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Dan asks and takes a sip of beer.

Nate shakes his head at him.

"It's just a bunch of journalists trying to get the scoop on why congressman Archibald is leaving his chair. I think they are hoping for a secret love child or to dig up a murder I committed in a rage of jealousy. "

Dans starts giggling. Like a little child.

"Then they should have seen you now. Higher than the Empire state building."

Nate laughs a little too.

"I actually think that would have disappointed them."

He closes his eyes, he knows that some of the truth, some of the things that are hidden, would easily make it into the papers.

His failed marriage, Blair's alcohol problems, and Serena. They would have loved to write about the fact that he is madly in love with the biggest IT girl on the Upper east side.

And most of all that she rejected him and wants nothing to do with him.

Dan is faced towards him now, he can feel his eyes on him. Watching him. He turns to face him.

His face is all up in his.

"Maybe we really should give them something to talk about." Dan lays his hand gently upon Nate's and he moves closer to him.

Like he is about to kiss him.

Nate pulls quickly away, mildly shock in his eyes. His mouth forming an O.

"Woooah, woah, woah. What the hell?"

Dan bursts out in laughter, he is laughing so hard tears start to pop out of his eyes.

"Oh my God, you should have seen your face right now."

Nate furrows his brows, his mouth closed now.

"I was just kidding" Dan says, still not finished laughing.

He has to laugh too then, a mix of relief and genuine laughter. He was starting to get worried.

They settle down again, both their faces serious now.

"It would have been easier though." Nate says, in all seriousness.

"You and I together, you mean?" Dan asks, giggles again.

"Yeah, man. I can count on you. And women are so much harder to read." He sighs.

Dans nods. He's got a solid point.

"I'll drink to that." They crash their bottles together and drinks the last of the content.

"We could just pack our bags and go away. New adventures, bro time all over Europe."

"In a platonic way of course." He adds and smiles.

Dan smiles too.

"I wish I could. I have to be here finishing my book and promote it."

Nate sighs, he wishes he had something he was so passionate about, wishes he just had one thing he knew he would love to work with for the rest of his life.

He knows nothing, at the moment he wants nothing. The one thing he wishes for, he can't have.

And that might be the worst feeling in the entire world.

"Yeah, I know. I'm so happy for you, man. Publishing a new book, about the love of your life…" He stops, it's still weird to talk about. Because that woman just happens to be his ex wife.

Then he starts laughing. Loud, uncontrollably. He looks like a maniac.

Dan just stares at him. Doesn't quite know how to react to this development.

"Sorry, sorry." Nate says as his crasiness is settling down a bit.

"It's just..Our love lives are really, really complicated. Like insanely so. It's just sooo funny."

"And a little awkward." He adds.

Dan is staring into thin air. Complicated doesn't even begin to describe it.

They don't say anything for a while.

Nate feels the affect of the joints starting to wear off. He looks at Dan in all seriousness.

"I'm serious about traveling. I want to get away from here. It's nothing left here for me.." He closes his eyes.

He was thinking about it all night. Getting away from here. Getting a fresh start somewhere else.

"So you are running away? You are doing just like her?" Dan asks.

Nate turns to look at him. Knows exactly who he means.

He would be doing what Serena does best.

_Running away_.

* * *

"I have to tell you something." Blair is rushing inside Serena's apartment. The clock is only ten.

Serena is only wearing her pajamas.

"I have to tell you something big. And you are not allowed to judge me."

She sends Serena a warning look, she can't help but to roll her eyes at the brunette.

"It's me, Blair. What you have to tell me can't be worse than the things I've done in the past."

Blair sits down in front of her, her fingers shivering uncontrollably in her lap. Serena has a point though. Her past are kind of tainted.

"I think I'm in love with Dan Humphrey."

She has never seen Serena's eyes so wide. She opens her mouth to say something, but she is still in shock.

Blair sits in silence to, gets a sudden desire to bite her nails.

Has never had that before.

She wants Serena to say something. Anything. Because this silence is both awkward and scary.

"Are you drinking again?" Serena asks, her brows furrowed.

She looks concerned, like she actually believes that Blair is drunk right now.

And she does. Because she can't seem to find any other explanation for this. For her claiming to love Dan.

Blair shakes her head.

"High then?" Serena asks, her hands up in the air.

Now it's Blair's time to roll her eyes.

They both know she wouldn't go anywhere near the things Nate and Serena and Chuck were smoking when they were younger.

And that she never would now. No matter how low she's been sinking.

"I don't understand…" Serena says while shaking her head a little.

Blair starts telling the story from the beginning. Starts with the night Dan found her, the night he saved her.

And as Blair continues and talks of all the time she spent with him, Serena's eyes gets wider and wider.

All these years and she had no idea. Her best friend and her ex boyfriend was once in love. She tries to get her head around it.

At the same time something is dimming in the back of her mind. The talk she had with Dan.

As Blair finishes off her story, Serena looks at her with wonder in her eyes.

"So you are his Nate?" She says, realization filling both her eyes and voice.

Blair looks at her in confusion.

"Excuse me?" She stutters.

"Dan told me he had found his Nate. Like his soulmate or whatever…As Nate is mi.." She stops, feels her skin get warm and her cheeks are turning light red.

It's strange to be calling your best friend's ex husband (technically still husband) your soulmate. And the guy you just told should forget about you. It's even stranger to say it while you are talking about your other ex boyfriend who apparently is head over heels in love with said best friend, who also seems to love him. Serena's head is spinning. Their lives are so messy and tangled. This isn't normal. This can't be normal. Other people can't have as complicated love lives as them.

"He said that?" Blair whispers, excitement and fright both clouding her voice.

Serena simply nods. Her eyes wanders to Blair's hand, as Serena suspected she is still wearing her wedding ring.

This is all too messy, too freaking weird.

And she doesn't even have the whole story yet.

Blair is sitting there debating with herself. Should she tell the rest?

She is afraid Serena won't understand, that she will look at her differently. She isn't sure she is ready for that.

She swallows nervously, maybe it's best to simply rip the bandage off.

"I did something horrible" She whispers, and tears comes immediately. It's a hard thing to talk about.

"I wasn't ready. And I didn't know what I wanted, who.. And I.." She takes a deep breath, she doesn't even seem to be able to form a whole sentence.

Serena looks at her worried, sees her hands shaking again and her eyes blank. She moves closer to her, lays her hand upon Blair's.

"It's okay. Whatever it is, I'll be here." She says, gives her a tiny smile.

Blair closes her eyes, tears stream down her cheeks.

"I took an abortion."

There. She said it. It's out.

She breathes over and over, it feels like she is having a panic attack.

Serena only squeezes her hand tighter. She doesn't know what to say. This wasn't what she expected.

"Dan..?" She only whispers.

Blair nods, more tears escaping now. She can't seem to stop them.

Serena sighs. Sees that this is horrible for her to talk about. It's all wounds that still isn't scars and she doesn't want to rip them more open.

Doesn't feel like it's necessary now.

So they just sit there in silence. Hands intertwined.

Blair still with something weighing on her mind. Something that in a way is worse than this. Because if she tells Serena, she knows she won't look at her the same way ever again.

She can't bare to loose her now.

So she decides to bury that last, little secret.

At least for now.


	13. Let me see beneath your beautiful

_"You tell all the boys no _

_Makes you feel good yeah _

_I know you're out of my league _

_But that won't scare me away no _

_You've carried on so long _

_You couldn't stop if you tried it _

_You've built your wall so high _

_That no one could climb it _

_But i'm gonna try _

_Would you let me see beneath your beautiful _

_Would you let me see beneath your perfect _

_Take it off now girl, take it off now girl I wanna see inside _

_Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight"_

* * *

"I really don't know what to say, B" Serena whispers.

Her hands are shaking. She can' believe that Blair has been carrying around this big secret.

It must have eaten her up from the inside.

She can't imagine how it has been.

Blair is still crying. She doesn't know what to say either.

She feels empty, relieved, scared. Everything inside her is shaking, like there is an earthquake on the inside of her own body.

"You know you have to tell Dan, right?" Serena sets her eyes in Blair.

The mention of Dan makes the tears almost stop. The parts of her that is terrified is taking over.

She looks to the ground and nods slowly.

"Blair.." Serena sighs. Sees that she has no intensions of telling him in the near future.

"You can't keep it from him. He has the right to know."

Her tears are back now and her hands are shaking again.

"He won't ever look at me again. How can I tell him that I killed our baby and then kept it a secret for all these years? I can't, I just can't.."

Serena sighs, puts her arms around her best friend, holds her tightly.

"Some things are better buried, aren't they?" Blair asks.

Serena doesn't answer.

"It will hurt him so much if I tell him and if I just keep it from him until my last breath it will only hurt myself."

She waits for an answer to that, she doesn't get it.

Because Serena doesn't know what to say to her. She feels it's wrong. She feels like Dan deserves to know.

But who are she to judge? She bury things on a daily basis.

She sighs.

But not things as big as this. She doesn't think Blair will be able to keep this a secret. It's too big, it will eat her alive.

"Do you think you can look him in the eye? Do you think you can be with him and just forget that you two once made a little baby?" She stops.

Blair shivers at the words.

"Do you think you can look yourself in the eye?" Serena whispers.

Blair pulls away from her embrace and just looks at her.

Doesn't she know her at all? Doesn't Serena know what she is capable of?

That a part of her is halfway dead on the inside anyway.

That she has so dark parts it scares even herself.

Of course Serena doesn't know, doesn't understand. She is all light and bubbles and big smiles.

It makes Blair a little mad to think about, but then she shakes the feeling off as fast as it came.

Serena is good and she is only trying to help her.

"I know it's hard to bury it, I've lived with it for so long. Every day I wish I could take it back, go back and change it all. But I can't. There's nothing I can do. But I can carry this alone, he doesn't have to feel the pain I am feeling every minute of every day. He deserves to be happy. And this can be my curse, my punishment. Living with the blame and the hurt and the shame. All alone." She takes a deep breath.

Tears are starting to form in Serena's eyes.

"You are not all alone." She whispers.

"You have me. And I will keep this secret for you. With you" She says and Blair squeezes her hand.

"Thank you." She whispers, voice cracking with emotion. Her tears back in her eyes.

Serena looks down at their hands. Looks at the ring there at Blair's finger.

She notices, sighs a little.

"You are wondering why I'm still wearing it." She says it as a statement, not a question.

Serena simply nods.

"It's hard to let go. To let go of that part of my life." She sighs.

"Do you still love him?" Serena asks, her voice low.

"A part of me will always love him. I have loved that boy since kinder garden." She smiles.

Serena closes her eyes for a second or two.

She has too.

She wants an escape route.

"But I'm not in love with him anymore."

Blair's words drag Serena back to reality.

Reality has always ruined her life.

There is no escape here, she thinks.

She wishes she can say what Blair just said, and that it would be the truth.

"He wants to see you, you know. It hurt him that you completely shut him out." Serena whispers, afraid Blair will take this the wrong way. That she believes that Serena is taking his side.

She isn't. She isn't taking sides at all.

Blait nods.

"I know. I just couldn't see him. Not when I tried to fight my problems…I just.. I can't explain it."

"I just couldn't see him."

Serena understands. She really does. She just wished Nate would't get hurt in the process.

But Blair has to set herself first. She believes she has neglected that for too long and it hurts her that she wasn't there for her. Or for Nate.

"It's stupid to hold onto to this." She takes off her ring.

"It's childish and…" She sighs, puts the ring on the table.

"There goes my princesse dream." She laughs a little.

Then her face turns serious.

"I have to move on. It's about time."

Serena just looks at her. Doesn't know what to say.

They sit in silence for a while.

Blair needs five minutes to really let go of her marriage and those parts of her life.

Serena just welcomes the silence. Because her head is spinning at this point.

"So.." Blair starts, and breaks the silence.

"When are you and Nate getting together?"

Serena is so taken aback by her question and her casually way of saying those words, she almost jumps of the coach.

"Whaaat?" She stutters.

Blair just smiles. Serena finds it kind of freaky.

"He missed you every day you were away. To my dismay I think he loved you too. I know you still love him, Serena. And it's okay. I've learnt to be okay with it."

Serena is completly silent.

"In therapy I learnt to let go of all the anger and bitterness. I let go of the delusion of me and Nate riding into the sunset together. I see clearly now. Who I love, who loves me. Everything."

Serena doesn't say anything to that either.

She is halfway holding her breath and trying to fight the tears from coming.

"My only regret is having regrets, Serena."

"Please don't have regrets. For me."

Serena slowly nods.

* * *

Dan doesn't know if he's still drunk or high. Or both

But when Nate leaves he rushes over to his dresser and finds the copy of his book only Nate has read.

He wants Blair to read it. Now. Needs her to.

The high and the talking has made him realize that he has nothing to loose.

And this book might cause him Blair forever, but it might have the opposite effect too.

There's a slight chance she will take it as something positive.

And he's got it into his head that he has to act on it now. To see if that small chance is really there.

So he drives to Brooklyn, claims the stairs as fast as he never has before and locks himself inside the loft.

It's bathing in darkness.

No sounds.

"Blair!" He yells.

"Blair, are you here?"

Nothing.

He sits down in the dark. Waits, hears the clock ticking behind him.

After a while he almost fall asleep, but then the door comes up and she is standing there.

Her eyes wide.

"Dan.." She whispers, clearly surprised to see him there.

"Don't start." He says.

"I know you need space and I gave it to you." He takes a breath.

She is standing still in front of him.

"I'm leaving you soon, I just need you to have this." He hands her the script with trembling hands.

She takes it, her eyes confused.

"What is this?" She whispers. Holds it like it's a bomb. She is utterly afraid of the book in her hands.

Scared it will blow up in her face if she moves.

"My latest book." He says calmly and collected, even smiles a little.

She is still confused, thought he had been having a writer's block for years now.

"Just promise me you'll read it." He says, pleading eyes.

"And promise me that afterwards, good or bad, you give me something. Something _real_."

She simply nods, still in shock.

He moves towards the door.

"You can almost say it's my love letter." He whispers as he locks the door and leaves again.

* * *

Blair sits and stares at the book for a while.

Her hands are shaking. She doesn't know what to expect.

She hates not having control.

This is scary, but at the same time exciting.

Love letter he said.

To her probably. Anything else actually doesn't make any sense at this point.

He loves her. So much she knows by now.

It can't be to Serena.

Or can it?

She laughs out loud and shakes her head.

Those ridiculous insecurities should be behind her.

She flips the book open, her hands are still shaking.

When she reads the first words she is immediately hooked.

He writes so beautifully, all his words chosen with care.

He paints a picture so vivid, the characters comes to live and she is drawn to the story.

As she finishes more and more chapters things start dimming in her mind.

She recognizes situations and the words that are said.

This is her and Chuck, and Dan.

Somehow this is _her_ life.

She can't stop reading even though her eyes are starting to cloud with tears.

Her heart races and she gasps when she comes to the chapter about the rape. It's like its happening all over again.

Her whole body shakes.

Still she can't stop reading.

Day becomes night, she only eats a sandwich, still clutching to the pages.

And then night becomes day again. And she can't stop crying.

This book is amazing. That's like all she can think of.

It hurts and then it doesn't. It's love and hate.

They story is so captivating, she can't fully wrap her head around the fact that its inspired by her own life.

It doesn't end happily though.

But fortunatley that part isn't completely from her life, her reality.

She can still get a happy ending.

It's all up to her now.

* * *

Nate left Dan with clarity. He wants to go away.

There is nothing for him here. Not now.

He needs a break.

So when he came home he started packing.

And now he is just trowing random clothes into empty suitcases.

When Blair left, Serena felt a tiny bit of courage.

And that has brought her to Nate's apartment.

She doesn't know where else it will get her or what it will make her able to say or do.

If it will even get here anywhere.

At the moment she is just pleased with being here.

And then when he lets her in and she sees the suitcases, she looses the little courage she had gathered.

Its stupid really. She is, this is.

"Are you going somewhere?" She asks. The question stupid too.

Of course he is.

"Yeah" He says and looks at her.

"Can I get you anything?" He asks and gives her a small smile.

It doesn't quite reach those beautiful blue eyes of his.

She shakes her head at him, tries to come up with something to say.

She hasn't thought this all through she realizes.

In her mind she doesn't even understand herself what she's doing here.

"So…" She starts.

"Where are you going?" She asks, her voice small.

"I don't know yet." He answers and sits down.

"I just need to get away." He sighs, sets his eyes in her.

Knows she can relate to this.

After all, she has been running away so may times before.

He is still bitter about it. He knows that much.

He believes a part of him will revenge it now. He knows its stupid and childish. But he really doesn't care anymore.

"Is it because of Blair?" She whispers.

"Because I've talked to her and she wants to see you. She wants to put all of this behind…"

"It's not." He interrupts her. Doesn't say anything more though.

Serena feels a little brave again and asks the one thing she fears is the reason.

"Is it because of me? I don't want you to leave because I…" She swallows nervously.

"Because you asked me to let go of you." He finishes for her.

She breathes out, pushes the tears away. Doesn't want to cry now.

"I can't lie and say that it has nothing to do with it" He says earnest and looks to the ground.

"But it's not just that." He quickly says as he sees her face. She looks so sad, so full of guilt.

They stand there staring at each other. Serena's lips are trembling.

"Can I..?" She whispers.

_Can I change this?_

She doesn't want him to go. Even though she knows he'll come back.

He has to right?

Nate moves a little closer to her.

Knows what she was about to ask. Knows her that well.

"Serena…" He starts.

"I just can't be here right now. See you all the time and not be with you. I want to touch you right now. I want to kiss you. I _always_ want to kiss you." He throws his hands out at his side.

She wipes away a tear.

"I don't want you to go." Her voice cracks.

The way she is looking at him right now, it's not normal he thinks.

You can't look at someone like that and not expect them to feel something.

She looks at him the same way now as she did when they were fifteen.

And this is part of why he can't be around her.

"I don't want you to go because of me."

She feels all the air leave her body. She feels helpless.

Doesn't know what she can do to stop this from happening.

"Can you give me something real, Serena?"

He is closer to her now.

"A real feeling. Something true. Anything."

He is desperate now.

His arms brushes her side.

She shivers.

"I…"

* * *

"I love you." She says out loud.

No one else in the room.

"I _am_ in love with Dan Humphrey. No maybes. No doubting. No more I think…" She sighs.

She is insane, talking to herself.

She is insanely in _love_.

It feels like something is disappearing from her shoulders.

Feels like the weigh on her heart drift away a little.

* * *

As Blair runs to Dan, Serena runs away from Nate.

All over again.


	14. Coming back to you every time

_"I…"_

_"I can't do this."_

_Pressing silence and heavily angstfilled air._

_This is sadly too familiar._

_"Goodbye, Serena."_

* * *

Serena is laying in her bed, eyes wide open. She only stares at the ceiling, her stereo blasts the gloom and doom of Taylor Swift.

She has heard that music can be therapeutic, and that Taylor is perfect to listen to after a break-up. Not that she has been dumped, or had a relationship in years.

Either way she's in desperate need of therapy. She doesn't think this music is it though.

It's kind of depressing.

Like her life is, like it's been for so long. Like she herself is.

She wants to lock herself in, plans to be in this bed for a long time.

Because inside of these walls she can't hurt anyone but herself.

She rolls over on her stomach as Taylor sings about wanting to go back to December. Serena doesn't think she is singing about a month or missing snow and hot chocolate.

She sings about missing a boy. Of course.

Again, kind of depressing.

_"Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them there to die."_

She stares at the phone, wants to call him badly. She bites her nails.

_"It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you. Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine."_

She can't call him. It will not make a difference. She left. To be free she thought.

Because that's what her sorry ass needed back then.

She doesn't feel sorry for herself so much now, she feels sorry for _him_.

For him loving her. For him holding on.

She is poison.

Her track record is spotty to say the least. In love and in life in general.

Taylor Swift is still laying her heart out and Serena listens intently. Has to rewind the song a couple of times. It's scary to hear the words, because it's like they are taken from her own life, her own damn head.

_"These days, I haven't been sleeping. Staying up, playing back myself leaving. When your birthday passed, and I didn't call. Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times. I watched you laughing from the passenger side. And realized I loved you in the fall"_

Serena's eyes starts filling with water. She curls up with her arms securely placed round her legs. She lets the tears come, it feels freeingly. Doesn't try to stop them or wipe them away.

It feels good in a way.

Every tear that drops is for him.

_"I realized I loved you in fall."_

She loves Nate Archibald.

Of course she does. Winter, spring, summer, fall.

Doesn't matter if her age is sixteen or seventy-six

She will always be in love with Nate.

And she knows that, to her it's facts. She has always known it.

Right now it doesn't change anything.

She is stupid. This is all so very stupid. Tragic. Miserable. Pathetic.

But she has been burnt so many times. By others and by herself.

By Carter, by her father, Dan, even Nate.

She is a big pile of daddy issues and mommy issues. And on top of that she has issues with being and finding herself.

She is a wandering cliche and chatostrophe. She is really pathetic.

That is too a fact.

_You are, have never and never will be good for him._

No matter what he says.

And he didn't even want you in the end.

He married Blair.

She sighs.

_He married Blair._

There is no more tears at this point.

The song is finished and now Taylor is singing about ruining a wedding. About how the groom shouldn't be marrying the bride.

_Speak now._

The irony of it all makes her laugh.

She turns off the music and lays back in bed.

As she closes her eyes there is no more laughing, no smiling. She only hears the words from the previous song over and over.

_"And then the cold came, the dark days. When fear crept into my mind. You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye"_

A single tear has been playing hide and seek and now it makes its way down her cheek.

That tear is too for _him_.

* * *

Blair Waldorf hates running. She hates all form for exercise.

But now she runs the stairs like she never has in her whole life.

Unfortunately Humphrey doesn't seem to believe in elevators.

When she reaches his floor, she is all out of breath.

She stops by his door, ready to knock.

Then after all the running and pacing and everything, she hesitates.

Is she doing the right thing? By him?

Then she only smiles. Because yes, this is right. Yes, for him, for her. For the both of them.

She is one hundred percent sure. This time she truly _knows_.

There is no hidden agendas, no imaging a perfect fairytale life, no magnetic darkness bullshit she has ben hiding behind in the past.

It's only two people that fell in love. For real. No games and no grand family history shadowing them.

She is almost jumping up and down when she knocks his door.

She feels like a little kid again. She has missed that feeling.

It's freeing and carefree.

When he opens the door, she doesn't give him time to speak, she just throws herself at him, lips first.

He's frozen, totally taken aback.

Then he puts his arms gently around her, his hands resting securely on her lower back. His lips moving in her tempo. Fast and hungrily.

She pulls away to catch her breath, closes her eyes and breathes out.

He looks at her with wonder in his eyes. She just smiles.

"I love you, Dan." She says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

And perhaps it is.

He blinks, his mouth halfway open. He is speechless.

All he can do is taking a mental picture of this.

This is not going to be forgotten.

The way she looks at him, the feeling her words gives him. Every bit of the moment.

"I love you." She repeats over and over. Her smile wider and wider.

He smiles now too.

"I can't believe this..I" He grabs hold of her.

He needs to touch her so he knows that this is all real.

"The book was…" She starts.

"It was perfect. It just made me realize how much I love you. That those words came from you mind was so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. And it was.." She stops, gives him a crooked smile.

"And it was sexy." She lets out a little laugh.

He does too.

"I love _you_." She says again.

"And I'm ready now. No more stupid space or time, no more stupid _me_. We only have one life."

He pulls her close, kisses her again. They are still standing in the doorway.

They don't care.

The first kiss was full of eager and built up tension. This kiss is slow, lingering, consuming, _perfect_.

Her mouth is moving in easy rhythm with his. He savors it, them. Lets himself sink into the feel of her, drowns in it.

When they part they just rest their foreheads on each others for a moment, only listens to their steady breaths. It sounds like the most beautiful music.

Dan feels like writing it all down. The way she smells now, the way she feels pressed up against him, how her eyes is looking at him, how her cheeks is lightly blushing.

All of it.

He places a kiss on her forehead, looks at her tenderly.

"We can take this slow. We should.." He doesn't get to finish the sentence.

"Slow?" She asks, sparkle in her eyes.

"I don't want slow. We have done slow. I'm like already four years too late, am I not?"

His face light up. She can't stop smiling, she feels like a teenager. Like a normal teenager.

"I.." He starts.

She doesn't let him finish now either, just kisses him.

Blair pushes him inside the apartment, manages to close the door shut.

She really doesn't want slow, she simply wants him.

He cups her face, kisses the corner of her mouth, trails his lips down her neck as she throws her 3000 dollar coat on his somewhat dirty, wooden floor.

"I love you." He whispers as she starts unbuttoning his shirt.

It's getting harder for her to breathe as they stumble to his bedroom. They are both just in their underwear now.

She lays back against the pillows in his bed, takes him with her. They're still kissing as she kicks the blankets aside.

Suddenly he pulls away, almost out of breath.

"Blair." He breathes out.

She furrows her brows, holds tightly around his arms.

"I..Uhm.." He looks scared all of a sudden, and she is confused.

"I.." He svallows.

She strokes his arms, smiles a little at him. Tries to make him able to get the words out.

They seem stuck in his throat.

"I kind of.. I haven't had sex in over a year." He breathes out.

"There. It's out." He blushes mildly.

"I don't want to like..To disappoint you I guess."

She smiles at him, gets up and kisses him.

"You won't. You can't."

She bites his earflap, drags him down with her.

"Besides, sex is like riding a bike."

He laughs at her, starts kissing her neck, feels secure again. Trails a path of kisses down her whole body. Stops with his lips at the border of her panties. Feels her wimpier underneath him, looks up at her and smiles teasingly.

"Dan." She moans.

He removes her underwear and kisses his way back to her lips.

Is done with the teasing now.

She reaches between their bodies to get rid of the last piece of clothing that is separating them at this point.

He groans into her mouth as one of her legs hooks around his hips.

As he thrusts into her she grabs a hold of his hair, the hair she has told him to cut multiple times before.

Right now she likes it this way.

Her moaning gets louder and louder as she is close to the edge.

He manages to tip her over right before his own release.

She places a tender kiss on his lips as their still joined as one. And then he collapses on top of her as she still breathes heavily.

"I knew you wouldn't disappoint me." She whispers as he rolls over at his back.

"God, I love you."

* * *

Nate doesn't want to be weak anymore. Doesn't want his life to be ruled by other people. Their opinions and their motives.

Doesn't want to be a push-over any longer.

He wants to be himself, make his own decisions. He just doesn't quite know where to begin. Doesn't really know who he is.

So now he is leaving.

He is standing at the airport, watching the board.

Okay, he thinks. Decision number one.

Where the hell should he go?

Right now he doesn't even care. He just wants to leave this all behind.

_Serena._

She is like a disease that has infected his whole being.

It's both good and bad. He wouldn't want it any other way really.

He can't imagine a life without loving Serena. Maybe that makes him pathetic. Maybe some will think it makes him weak.

But in a way Nate thinks it makes him, well, Nate.

In a messed up way it makes him who he are. Part of it anyway. He just can't let it define his whole life.

That's what'll make him the weak one in all of this.

And he doesn't want that anymore.

He just wants Serena. And it will always be as simple as that.

And _that_ hard.

He knows she doesn't believe in the concept of happily ever after.

He knows it's no such thing as ever after. No one lives forever.

There is a now and then there might be a long after. Not an infinite one. hopefully a somewhat happy one.

At the moment he hoped they could concentrate on the now-part. And then she might eventually grow to like the idea of an after with him.

It's not even important. He would settle for a lifetime of only "nows", if she would be there for every single one.

He sighs.

And suddenly he decides to go to Italy. Just to chose something.

Just to push himself to leave her behind.

Right here, right now, he's on his own.

And maybe that's exactly where he's supposed to be.

Right when that thought is about to leave his mind, a smiling face is walking towards him.

A face he wished he would never see again.

"Oh crap. This day really could get worse."


End file.
